#75. The Age Four Transition to Responsible Childhood*

Converging evidence reveals a major shift toward independence around age four.

Prexels/FreeRange

Dear friends,

My earliest clear memories of events I experienced, which are not simply memories of stories told to me about my childhood, are from when I was four years old. I know, because those memories are clearly situated at and near the apartment in Minneapolis where we lived when I was four, from which we moved about the time I turned five. One of those memories, which would have occurred in the summer when I was about four years and four months, is the following.

On a hot summer day my grandmother told me it was time for me to take an adventure by myself. We lived on a busy street, with traffic lights, and I’m sure my grandmother had already explained to me how to cross streets at lights as we took walks together. But this day, she told me, I would go by myself, about two blocks, crossing two busy streets, to buy myself a popsicle, and then walk back home. She would sit on the stoop and watch to make sure I came back OK. I did. And then, after that, I could take walks like that myself, to get things my grandmother needed, without having to be watched. I’m sure that one reason I remember this so well is that it was very exciting to me, a big step toward growing up.

There are a number of significant things to note about this memory. First, this was seven decades ago, back when it wasn’t unusual to see little kids walking along the sidewalk unaccompanied by an adult. There was no worry that someone would call the police or Child Protective Services. If Jack were four, you might not want to trust him to make a good bargain on his sale of the cow (he might trade it for beans), but you could trust him to walk to the marketplace and find his way back. Second, this illustrates something that parents (or grandparents, as in my case) did in those days; they taught kids safety rules, so kids could safely gain independence, rather than protect them from independence.

But the point I want to elaborate on now has to do with motivational and cognitive changes that occur in children at around age four, which make children both desirous of and capable of increased independence. It is significant that, back then, it would have been relatively common to see four-year-olds out on adventures by themselves, but not three-year-olds. Three-year-olds might be out with their five-year-old siblings, but rarely if ever alone.

The Age of Independence in Hunter-Gatherer Bands and Sudbury Schools

Some years ago I delved into the lives of children in hunter-gatherer bands by surveying anthropologists and reading all I could find on the topic (here). One thing I learned is that hunter-gatherers typically view children as “infants,” who need to be watched up until about four years old, and as “children who have sense” (to use a phrase quoted by one anthropologist) beginning at about four years old. Children under age four are often still nursed by their mothers, and although they are free to engage in many adventures around the campsite and accompany adults or older children on trips, they are not allowed to—and apparently have little desire to—venture out of sight and hearing of caregivers. Four-year-olds, in contrast, are generally free to run with the other kids, or even alone, away from caregivers. Millennia of experience have taught hunter-gatherers that by the age of about four most children not only begin to seek independence from adults but are capable of it.

Even more years ago, when I first became interested in the Sudbury Valley School, where children freely pursue their own interests all day (here), I was intrigued to learn that the youngest students the school would accept were four years old. At this school, all students, regardless of age, are free to roam anywhere on the school’s 10-acre campus, which is not fenced off from its surrounds. Adults do not follow the students around. Students, regardless of age, are expected to take responsibility for their own safety. The campus includes a millpond with a dam and is bordered on one side by a road and on another side by a state forest. It also has huge rocks and trees to climb and one of those old-fashioned “dangerous” high slides in the playground.

The judgment of the school has always been that most four-year-olds are capable of being responsible for their own safety in this environment, but most three-year-olds are not. The school requires a visiting week of all prospective students, regardless of age, in which they must prove their ability to be responsible; so not all four-year-olds are accepted. The policy has turned out to be wise; over its 57-year history, the school has a remarkable safety record. I think the children are safe precisely because they are trusted, so they take responsibility for themselves and one another.

The Shift from Attachment to Independence

If you read the literature on child development and advice to parents—especially if you read the older literature, before “experts” began to see it as their job to frighten people—you will find a frequent refrain about how at age four children begin to need and seek greater independence from adults.

Research on attachment, going all the way back to the work of Bowlby (1958) and Ainsworth (1979) has revealed that children’s attachment to caregivers increases at about age six to eight months and declines at about age four years. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. Six to eight months is when infants begin to move around on their own (initially by crawling), so a strong drive to be near a reliable caregiver is adaptive by inhibiting them from straying out of the range of safety. Around four years is when children begin to have common sense, so there is much reduced danger in their straying off and exploring on their own. The primary function of attachment (sorry to be so cold about it) is to protect the child from danger during the period when he or she is mobile but has not yet acquired much sense about what is dangerous and what isn’t.

The Internalization of Language and Origin of Verbal Thought

What underlies the increased ability of children, at about age four, to behave safely and independently? Part of the answer, of course, has simply to do with increased knowledge. If caregivers have done their job properly and allowed children to explore and behave in moderately risky ways in the caregivers’ presence during earlier years, then, by about age four, children have learned a lot about what is safe and what isn’t. But something less gradual also occurs just before or around age four. Children develop the capacity to use words not just to communicate with others, but also to communication with themselves. That is, they begin to think verbally, which means, essentially, that they can tell themselves what is safe or not, recall verbal rules learned from others, and use those abilities to restrain or motivate their actions as they roam and explore on their own.

The person most noted for the theory that a major shift in thinking occurs around age four is the Russian developmental psychologist Lev Vyotsky (1934/1962). Vygotsky contended that what we usually describe as thinking is, largely, internalized speech. At first, according to Vygotsky, thinking occurs in a social context, as back-and-forth speech with others. An older person says something to the child. The child understands what was said and may or may not argue. If the statement is a rule of behavior, the child may abide by it immediately, but not sometime later, because the child doesn’t think of it later. That’s why very young children need to be watched.

Over time, however, children learn that they can use language even when not in the presence of others, as a way of reminding themselves what they should or should not do. At first, they may use the words aloud, in a period of talking to themselves: “Mommy said don’t touch the hot stove.” But with time they learn that they can just think them to themselves without pronouncing them aloud. There may be a transitional period where you can see the child’s lips move as he or she thinks.

According to Vygotsky, and verified by much subsequent research (e.g. Alderson-Dat & Fernyhough, 2014; Manfra et al, 2014; Winsler et al, 1997), by about age four children have developed the capacity for verbal thought to such a degree that they can recall and follow rules that they learned previously, without someone there to remind them, and can even think verbally about how to behave in new contexts. They can ask themselves such questions as, “Is it safe for me to do this?” or “What would happen if I did that?” and imagine the answer before they actually try this or that. This ability is the essence of common sense and caution.

The Emerging Understanding of Minds

Another well-documented cognitive shift that occurs at around age four concerns what researchers call “theory of mind” (e.g. Wellman, Cross, & Watson, 2001). Theory of mind refers to the understanding that there is a difference between what a person may believe to be true and what is actually true. People can hold and act upon false beliefs. One person can believe one thing and another can believe something else. This understanding is an important development in the child’s ability to get along with peers. To have real friends and to truly collaborate, one must understand that the thoughts and perspectives of the friend are not necessarily the same as yours. Thus, to get along, it is necessary to somehow infer what is in the mind of your friend and take that into account as you play.

It is no coincidence, I think, that this ability emerges around the same time that children are motivated and able to enjoy play with age-mates, without intervention by an older person. Most four-year-olds, unlike most three-year-olds, can play happily with others their own age because they can take into account the needs and knowledge of their playmates, which may be different from their own needs and knowledge.

I suspect (though I don’t know of any research on it) that development of theory of mind is intimately linked to internalization of language. When children talk to themselves as a way of thinking, they almost can’t help but become aware that they have a mind and their mind can change over time. “I think there is a toy in this box. Now I’m opening the box. Oops, no toy. I was wrong.” Once they realize that they have a mind that can change in its knowledge and beliefs, it is a relatively small step to realize that the same is true for other people. The mind is what people say to themselves.

It is also no coincidence, then, that age four is when children typically begin to enjoy tricks and riddles and guessing games. To enjoy these, you must understand that the mind can be fooled. Understanding that also helps you to behave safely when adventuring. You know that what you believe right now, or what a playmate just told you, could be wrong; so you test it out before you act on it.

Further Thoughts

Throughout human history, until very recently, people understood that the capacity for common sense and self-controlled safety emerges rather rapidly at around age four. Age four was understood as the approximate age at which children enter the culture of childhood, where they practice getting along with peers away from adults. People didn’t need research studies to prove it then; it was obvious. Children today, sadly, exist in a world in which adults have become convinced that children are not competent at age four, and many believe that they are not competent even at age eight, or ten. Many ten-year-olds today are not permitted the independence that four-year-olds were permitted decades ago.

We also, sadly, live at a time when many people hold the really weird belief that it is more important to train little children in what is foolishly called “academics” rather than teach them basic rules of safety for navigating the real world in which they are growing.

And now, what do you think about all this? This substack is, in part, a forum for discussion. Your thoughts and questions are valued and treated respectfully by me and other readers, regardless of the degree to which we agree or disagree. Readers’ thoughtful comments and questions add to the value of these letters for everyone.

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With respect and best wishes,

Peter

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References

Ainsworth, M. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. Advances in the Study of Behavior, 9, 2-52.

Alderson-Day, B., & Fernyhough, C. (2015). Inner Speech: Development, Cognitive Functions, Phenomenology, and Neurobiology. Psychological Bulletin, 141, 931–965.

Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child’s tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysi, 39, 350-373.

Manfra, L., Davis, K., Ducenne, L., & Winsler, A. (2014). Preschoolers’ motor and verbal self-control strategies during a resistance-to-temptation task. Journal of Genetic Psychology: Research and Theory on Human Development, 175, 332-345.

Vygotsky, L. (1934, English translation, 1962). Thought and Language. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.

Wellman, H. M., Csross, D., & Watson, J. (2001). Meta-analysis of theory-of-mind development: The truth about false-belief. Child Development, 72, 655-684.

Winsler, A., Diaz, R., & de Madrid, I. (1997). The role of private speech in the transition from collaborative to independent task performance in young children. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 12, 59-79.

* This essay is a somewhat modified version of an essay I published several years ago on my Psychology Today blog, Freedom to Learn.