Hello All! Thank You Peter for trying to rescue children from us adults (parents, teachers)! Several years I attempted to direct an outdoor classroom for the 3-4 years old. It was combined with a readiness program. I was trying to stay 'passive' though watchful and letting the children do whatever they wished. There was materials and nature to play with safely. I observed them, it was a delight for the heart. However, after a few weeks, I had parents on my back asking, what are you going to do regarding reading skills, writing skills?! 3-4 years old do not need to learn to read and write! they need to play, socialize and learn to begin to express themselves verbally and learn to 'resolve' conflict. The principal of the school, after a few months came to me and said, I am so sorry, parents are telling me they are not learning what they should learn, and the program got shutdown...so sad, I saw the children, saw the joys in their eyes when they were left 'alone' doing things themselves, they were being in awe of what it means to be 'human', they were learning what they needed to learn. But the adult world around them has become 'machines' rather human...so sad. But, I will not give up, I am planning on starting an outdoor program, not connected to any educational form, just a place where children can regain their freedom and be given a chance to become who they truly are. Wish me and them luck!
I was going to write it may be best to try this independently. There are many mamas like I who know this importance and would love a teacher to do this for them. We were never suppose to teach intellect at that age. It’s biologically wrong. Children learn through a teacher or parent engaged in meaningful work around the home or school space and work that has to do with nurturing life on earth. 🌍 I wish you the best. Make children requiring this will be coming to earth anyway. The change is still subtle but will come.
I am so very sorry for your experience. I don’t believe you need to change anything. Play, especially outdoor, provides foundational benefits for reading and academic development. Find the research — it’s available. Use that to substantiate your program and shut down any concerns. Children will be lucky to have you in charge of the program.
Good luck! Programs like the one you want to start are popular where I live. I hope you find a group of families who feel enthusiastic about it where you are, too.
Yes TY Brooke! I just recently came across the Sudbury school design. Montessori is similar, but she was to my test still too controlling, I feel a middle ground in between those two styles would be the best.
When the five of us were young, my mother would say, "Go outside and don't come back in until I call you". And then she wouldn't call us. For hours, an afternoon, all day. So . . . the hay barn, fields, and trees were waiting--there were forts to be built, balls to throw and catch, and trees to climb. Life was great. And weather was no object--rain, snow, anything goes, as long as we were outside.
I've got many anicdotes on this topic, but one that springs to mind is a kid that broken down into tears because they were too hot, while wearing two layers and zipped up coat on a park walk. I wondered at the time how it got to be the case that the child didn't think to unzip their coat a little bit. Not only that, but their first go to solution was to cry rather than ask for help (that said, I knew they knew how zippers worked). I can't say i have a longitudinal data set and statically significance, but something feels off. And I really don't think it's schools.
Very interesting point. My kids will tell me when they are hot throw their jackets on a park bench and head to play. I worked in birth a few years ago and my own, subtle theory is that man young mothers are robbed of their intuition and natural ways of tending and nurturing even young babies through birth trauma. This then leads to a different way of parenting that isn’t from an intuitive or biological point that we have been passed down to for generations but from our wounding. Overprotecting can just be one aspect. This is not a single source but I do see many mothers unable to truly parent seeing their child and its needs instead of their own discomfort. This can be subtle even I did it as a young mother until I learned more are and made changes.
With helicopter parenting culture these days, this article will open's parents eyes. Both of us girls, separated by about 8 years in age, me the younger, were given many responsibilities in the house and outside, based on age, interests and situation. However, I turned out way more independent than my older sister and managed tough challenges in life all by myself in my early 20s without parental support. It was also attributed to my partial upbringing in a boarding school.
But later in life, this led to my sister dependent on family in all matters while I did not learn how to take help as the other one constantly needed attention and validation. I'd say parental emotional support is as important as making children independent and emotionally resilient. Without emotional guidance in childhood, we would not be able to ensure our psychological safety in our adult lives. And it should be uniform irrespective of the child's personality - if a child is independent, it doesn't mean parents don't support them.
I grew up badly neglected and as a result, as a young adult, I went along with over-supervising children when I worked with them. Then I realized that neglect and the promotion of independence are two completely distinct things. People do not smother their children out of love or respect, I believe, but out of ego, social convention, and a search for meaning they otherwise find missing. If you truly respect your child and appreciate them for who they are, you will naturally promote their drive for mastery and independence because you parent out of love and not ego.
Well-said, Megan. Appreciating children for who they are is so important, else, even their strengths will not find avenues for growth, because they didn't feel acknowledged.
It is quite easy to know how humans in general should be treated and what behaviours they hold. Look to our Hunter & Gatherer ancestors (with Tribes still in existence today). Evolution laid down those behaviours and traits over millions of years (Homo Sapiens have existed for 300,000 years and the Genus Homo - Humans, for 2.5 million years.)
That video is awesome!!! Shared it where ever I could. That needs to go viral!
I think it may help some parents see their actions in a new light if we rephrase the idea:
"Doing for your kids robs them of the opportunity for mastery."
When we think of it this way parents see what kids lose when we step in too much. The other idea that can help parents step back is a perspective that:
"Parenthood is about the joy of watch a child grow into themselves."
This angle puts the work of growing firmly on the child's shoulders and not on a parent "raising" a child.
I heard some podcast I listen to talk about how parents now often attend job interviews with their Gen-Z children. Often just sitting in silence but visible in the background.
I heard of this too. So odd. We have lost the art of bringing children into their world and knowing their biologic needs. Attachments during the early years leads to independent children. I am seeing it with my five children and my work is around a mother seeing what it takes from her. Children are biologically wired for this but parenting and mothering has been off for generations.
This is a much needed message for parents. I think most people are trying to do the absolute best they can for their kids and the pendulum swung too far towards parental overfunctioning. I think there is great relief for parents and kids as we lean into supporting their independence.
I always love your perspective and I highly agree with you, but how do we do it when we are inserted in a society that cannot handle this? I live in a small town in Portugal and it would be very easy to let my kids go buy bread on their own, etc, but the town people would end up bringing them to me and scolding us for letting them do these simple things alone.
I write for no other reason than to spur thought. Those thoughts take a variety of forms. I just published a short piece, packed with important thoughts for current and future parents. I’d love to connect with others over thoughts/feedback.
So what do you do if you allow autonomy to a 4yo toddler. Let’s say it’s washing their own hands on the bathroom sink. Then they continue to waste water by playing with it and running it on high. Use of water costs money and it’s a waste of resources.
Hello All! Thank You Peter for trying to rescue children from us adults (parents, teachers)! Several years I attempted to direct an outdoor classroom for the 3-4 years old. It was combined with a readiness program. I was trying to stay 'passive' though watchful and letting the children do whatever they wished. There was materials and nature to play with safely. I observed them, it was a delight for the heart. However, after a few weeks, I had parents on my back asking, what are you going to do regarding reading skills, writing skills?! 3-4 years old do not need to learn to read and write! they need to play, socialize and learn to begin to express themselves verbally and learn to 'resolve' conflict. The principal of the school, after a few months came to me and said, I am so sorry, parents are telling me they are not learning what they should learn, and the program got shutdown...so sad, I saw the children, saw the joys in their eyes when they were left 'alone' doing things themselves, they were being in awe of what it means to be 'human', they were learning what they needed to learn. But the adult world around them has become 'machines' rather human...so sad. But, I will not give up, I am planning on starting an outdoor program, not connected to any educational form, just a place where children can regain their freedom and be given a chance to become who they truly are. Wish me and them luck!
I was going to write it may be best to try this independently. There are many mamas like I who know this importance and would love a teacher to do this for them. We were never suppose to teach intellect at that age. It’s biologically wrong. Children learn through a teacher or parent engaged in meaningful work around the home or school space and work that has to do with nurturing life on earth. 🌍 I wish you the best. Make children requiring this will be coming to earth anyway. The change is still subtle but will come.
I am so very sorry for your experience. I don’t believe you need to change anything. Play, especially outdoor, provides foundational benefits for reading and academic development. Find the research — it’s available. Use that to substantiate your program and shut down any concerns. Children will be lucky to have you in charge of the program.
Good luck! Programs like the one you want to start are popular where I live. I hope you find a group of families who feel enthusiastic about it where you are, too.
You need to work at a Sudbury or Montessori or similar school - sounds like you would be wonderful in these environments.
Yes TY Brooke! I just recently came across the Sudbury school design. Montessori is similar, but she was to my test still too controlling, I feel a middle ground in between those two styles would be the best.
When the five of us were young, my mother would say, "Go outside and don't come back in until I call you". And then she wouldn't call us. For hours, an afternoon, all day. So . . . the hay barn, fields, and trees were waiting--there were forts to be built, balls to throw and catch, and trees to climb. Life was great. And weather was no object--rain, snow, anything goes, as long as we were outside.
I've got many anicdotes on this topic, but one that springs to mind is a kid that broken down into tears because they were too hot, while wearing two layers and zipped up coat on a park walk. I wondered at the time how it got to be the case that the child didn't think to unzip their coat a little bit. Not only that, but their first go to solution was to cry rather than ask for help (that said, I knew they knew how zippers worked). I can't say i have a longitudinal data set and statically significance, but something feels off. And I really don't think it's schools.
Very interesting point. My kids will tell me when they are hot throw their jackets on a park bench and head to play. I worked in birth a few years ago and my own, subtle theory is that man young mothers are robbed of their intuition and natural ways of tending and nurturing even young babies through birth trauma. This then leads to a different way of parenting that isn’t from an intuitive or biological point that we have been passed down to for generations but from our wounding. Overprotecting can just be one aspect. This is not a single source but I do see many mothers unable to truly parent seeing their child and its needs instead of their own discomfort. This can be subtle even I did it as a young mother until I learned more are and made changes.
With helicopter parenting culture these days, this article will open's parents eyes. Both of us girls, separated by about 8 years in age, me the younger, were given many responsibilities in the house and outside, based on age, interests and situation. However, I turned out way more independent than my older sister and managed tough challenges in life all by myself in my early 20s without parental support. It was also attributed to my partial upbringing in a boarding school.
But later in life, this led to my sister dependent on family in all matters while I did not learn how to take help as the other one constantly needed attention and validation. I'd say parental emotional support is as important as making children independent and emotionally resilient. Without emotional guidance in childhood, we would not be able to ensure our psychological safety in our adult lives. And it should be uniform irrespective of the child's personality - if a child is independent, it doesn't mean parents don't support them.
I grew up badly neglected and as a result, as a young adult, I went along with over-supervising children when I worked with them. Then I realized that neglect and the promotion of independence are two completely distinct things. People do not smother their children out of love or respect, I believe, but out of ego, social convention, and a search for meaning they otherwise find missing. If you truly respect your child and appreciate them for who they are, you will naturally promote their drive for mastery and independence because you parent out of love and not ego.
Well-said, Megan. Appreciating children for who they are is so important, else, even their strengths will not find avenues for growth, because they didn't feel acknowledged.
Preach brotha! Preach on!
As always, such spot on information Peter.
It is quite easy to know how humans in general should be treated and what behaviours they hold. Look to our Hunter & Gatherer ancestors (with Tribes still in existence today). Evolution laid down those behaviours and traits over millions of years (Homo Sapiens have existed for 300,000 years and the Genus Homo - Humans, for 2.5 million years.)
That video is awesome!!! Shared it where ever I could. That needs to go viral!
I think it may help some parents see their actions in a new light if we rephrase the idea:
"Doing for your kids robs them of the opportunity for mastery."
When we think of it this way parents see what kids lose when we step in too much. The other idea that can help parents step back is a perspective that:
"Parenthood is about the joy of watch a child grow into themselves."
This angle puts the work of growing firmly on the child's shoulders and not on a parent "raising" a child.
I heard some podcast I listen to talk about how parents now often attend job interviews with their Gen-Z children. Often just sitting in silence but visible in the background.
Those young people are victims of narcissistic parenting. Their parents need to seek help ASAP.
I heard of this too. So odd. We have lost the art of bringing children into their world and knowing their biologic needs. Attachments during the early years leads to independent children. I am seeing it with my five children and my work is around a mother seeing what it takes from her. Children are biologically wired for this but parenting and mothering has been off for generations.
Since yhe 1980’s when we switched from family centered to child centered
I kept on thinking about this article, I ended up connecting the ideas to kids and screen time. https://open.substack.com/pub/dahuzi888/p/screens-are-changing-the-architecture
This is a much needed message for parents. I think most people are trying to do the absolute best they can for their kids and the pendulum swung too far towards parental overfunctioning. I think there is great relief for parents and kids as we lean into supporting their independence.
I always love your perspective and I highly agree with you, but how do we do it when we are inserted in a society that cannot handle this? I live in a small town in Portugal and it would be very easy to let my kids go buy bread on their own, etc, but the town people would end up bringing them to me and scolding us for letting them do these simple things alone.
I write for no other reason than to spur thought. Those thoughts take a variety of forms. I just published a short piece, packed with important thoughts for current and future parents. I’d love to connect with others over thoughts/feedback.
https://substack.com/@secondprinciples/note/p-176360747?r=755xv&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
So what do you do if you allow autonomy to a 4yo toddler. Let’s say it’s washing their own hands on the bathroom sink. Then they continue to waste water by playing with it and running it on high. Use of water costs money and it’s a waste of resources.
my friend says “assume competence”, so I do
We can’t be there for them forever. Instead of providing fish to them every time, it’s better to teach them how to fish.
I love this! I need this reminder from time to time.