I'd say growing older has definitely had that effect, alongside chronic health issues, plus a cancer diagnosis at age 48. But before then, two decades before, having kids and making the decision to be personally responsible for their education, shocked me into honouring and respecting childhood not as preparation for life, which is what I experienced, but as an opportunity to live fully in the moment. By the time I realised that my time Earthside was limited and understood what that actually meant, I'd learned to pause, reflect, smell the roses, enjoy the moment - because that's the lesson my kids taught me.
Thank you Peter for this great post on 'The Paradox of aging'. I can only agree and I am only 52! if this gets better I cannot wait to age! I would like to share a few thoughts of my personal path in relation to this topic. I grew up in France in a wine making rural area, everyone thinks this is the idyllic childhood...well until my sister died in a car accident, until my dad developed alcoholism, until my mom developed depression, that was idyllic. At 17, I passed in front of a mirror one day and saw myself as an old, very unhappy person, and I got such a fright and questioned what is the meaning of this life?...For myself, I feel that one can only come to shifting Attention Toward the Present and the Positive, The Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, through a very particular kind of inner psychological work that brings about the shift rather than saying that the shift is possible by oneself...after the experience mentioned above at 17, I fell myself into a deep depression. For an entire year I could not do anything, I stopped school, did not work, did not relate with friends and family or barely...in the midst of their own problems my parents still got so concerned with me, that my dad had this crazy idea to send me to England to learn English as a nanny so that I could resume my degree on Child psychology when I will return a year later. I never came back and began traveling around the world with the question: 'What is the meaning of being humans'. Now at 52, and a intense work on my psychology, through various methods, yoga, meditation and 4th way practices (Gurdjieff and Ouspensky), I now can say that what brings happiness to old age even with its physical disagreements, it s loving something/someone beyond oneself. I learned I have a Self of multiple facets, and selfishness is the lowest, unhappy way of living, and loving something other than oneself, is getting towards the higher, happier sense of Self...still traveling there! Thank you
Love this Peter! I recently heard about a study asking elders (sorry, I mean "old" people haha) to rank their favorite decades. They said 60's, then 70's, followed by 50's. (of course in your case and my parents' 80's is up there too!) Those results made me happy and I'm feeling the positivity too at 57. I'm looking forward to aging more and more (and more!)
Thank you for this, Peter. I've lost so many people in the past year (the downfall of knowing so many people) and have found myself struggling with mortality. But so much of what you wrote is true for me! Thank you for calling it to my attention.
I suspect there is also a biological, hormonal, neuro-chemical component to feelings at different life stages. In my youth my feelings tended to be much more intense. Very Very happy or very very sad was normal. In addition I felt strong drives to find/ attract a partner. Have kids. As I've gotten older (I'm 60) my feelings are more moderated. Less wild. More balanced.
I had kids late in life so I have 15 y/o twins at home now. They are both generally happy kids but I do see in them the tendency towards intense emotions. Some of this is simply lack of experience with life but I suspect that there are neuro-hormonal drives that they live with as well. Those intense emotions that we see in adolescence often continue in various ways and degrees into adulthood.
Another commentator mentioned "health and wealth" as important components of happiness with age. I would add that another privilege that helps some be more likely to feel content in older age is whether one has lived life relatively free of societal prejudice and bias. Maybe it's because I am a relatively young "elder" and probably still in mid-life crisis. However, as I've grown older I am more aware than ever that despite my best efforts, my life has been constrained by the patriarchal society in which we live. This has generated much frustration and resentment as I continue to reinvent my best life despite a million orthopedic issues. Despite financial fears for retirement.
Now would I go back to my youth if I could? Not a chance! I don't need those wild emotions and drives of younger years. I like the perspective of having been around the block a few times. And I think that those are two key things. A change in biological stage and more perspective are likely more universal. Then the relative "health, wealth, and prejudice free" elements come into play.
I love this, Peter! Thank you for writing it. As someone who is middle aged, reading this gives me a much needed sense of hope about my future. Your playfulness and sense of happiness (that I've picked up on in our interactions) always inspire me. Thank you!
i am 58, and i am very healthy, active with several sports, ecstatically happy in my profession (i am an acupuncturist in private practice) and i am content with my relationships (single, two sons in their 20s, we talk frequently). i am a renter in the bay area, however, and the prospect of aging in place, not to mention continuing to pay for food and shelter right now, is shot. i make decent money, but paying for things is hard. the fear of what will happen to me undercuts my happiness. it feels ironic to be at the tip of maslow's pyramid in many respects, yet seeing cracks in the first level of basic need. am i the only one?
Thank you for this letter. My dad used to say "getting old ain't for sissies" (Ok, dated reference there, but you get the idea). Late adulthood brings on many challenges, and from what I've seen, the key is the ability to adapt to them. I would also add that "health and wealth" are two key predictors of happiness in that age period. Anyway, I did the math and kudos to you for being so vibrant at 81 years young! :-)
Thanks Peter. I also write about both aging and play; perhaps there's a correlation between supporting play for children and seeing the benefits of aging. It's about coming full circle, I think. I have found that accepting mortality has increased the value of everyday life - that and grandchildren who remind us to live well for as long as we can so we can watch them grow up.
Well, I hope so. At 53 now, I see myself as having been ruined by my enslavement by adults in my childhood and adolescence. If I can live long enough to see the youth rights revolution start to happen, then maybe I can find happiness in my old age.
I am quite sure our society is too authoritarian. Most people I prefer not to know either love the status quo or they believe in their kids as tools for achieving future goals.
The revolution you describe is a spiritual one where people have to actually be different than they are. We believe in power and we use it on others to get what we want.
How then shall we attract people, since coercion is the tool we seek to abolish?
Any revolution "where people have to actually be different than they are" is bound to fail. As Steven Pinker can explain, human beings are not blank slates. Fortunately, however, much positive change is possible within the parameters of human nature.
Let's meet people where they are. For example, if they seek power, tell them how empowering self-directed education is.
What a great topic to write about Peter. When I talk about your work to friends and family I will often say that I love Peter Gray not only because of his perspective on children and play, but the fact that he is an older man communicating with such openness. What you shared makes total sense and one I find myself doing more and more as I head further into my mid 40's.
I remember staying at my grandparent's house to study for my year 11 exams and having a moment to reflect on how much I couldn't wait to retire so I could watch tv all day which is what my grandparent's seemed to do. Now, not only do I very rarely watch tv, but when I think about me in my older age, retirement doesn't even enter my headspace. Not that I think there is anything wrong with watching tv ... I can see how much joy it brings to my kids and husband's lives. But for me, I decided to pass it in when my kids were little because I found myself hustling them off to bed just so I could kick back and watch tv.
Since turning to living an unschooled life with my family, it has not only brought excitement for the future that seems to have no end, but I find myself being pulled back into the present moment more and more with the realisation that life can end in any moment. A realisation that first emerged when leaving the surgeon who confirmed my mum had terminal stomach cancer. As we were walking out of the clinic I turned to my mum and said, "Mum do you know that the only difference between you and everyone else who has no diagnoses is that everyone is walking around caught up in the little insignificant things that don't matter thinking their life is never going to end, and yet here you are dealt this card that is giving you the opportunity to just simply be in the here and now." I'm sure those words were my way of trying to comfort myself and my mum in such a challenging moment, but that thought has stuck with me 12 years on from losing one of my biggest life supporters. Now I get the opportunity to be my own biggest life supporter pulling myself into the present moment more and more.
Please receive my most sincere congratulations and my deepest gratitude for your invaluable contribution to the well-being of humanity.
I wholeheartedly wish you good health and hope we may continue to benefit from your wise guidance for many, many years to come.
There are people like you who leave such a radiant mark that one wishes their light would never fade — that they could always accompany us with their wisdom and example.
With all my appreciation and gratitude for your inspiring work,
I send you an affectionate greeting from Lima, Peru.
Oh, I love that you are writing about this! You helped me raise my child and now you will help us all grow old! A beautiful article. Thank you.
I'd say growing older has definitely had that effect, alongside chronic health issues, plus a cancer diagnosis at age 48. But before then, two decades before, having kids and making the decision to be personally responsible for their education, shocked me into honouring and respecting childhood not as preparation for life, which is what I experienced, but as an opportunity to live fully in the moment. By the time I realised that my time Earthside was limited and understood what that actually meant, I'd learned to pause, reflect, smell the roses, enjoy the moment - because that's the lesson my kids taught me.
Thank you Peter for this great post on 'The Paradox of aging'. I can only agree and I am only 52! if this gets better I cannot wait to age! I would like to share a few thoughts of my personal path in relation to this topic. I grew up in France in a wine making rural area, everyone thinks this is the idyllic childhood...well until my sister died in a car accident, until my dad developed alcoholism, until my mom developed depression, that was idyllic. At 17, I passed in front of a mirror one day and saw myself as an old, very unhappy person, and I got such a fright and questioned what is the meaning of this life?...For myself, I feel that one can only come to shifting Attention Toward the Present and the Positive, The Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, through a very particular kind of inner psychological work that brings about the shift rather than saying that the shift is possible by oneself...after the experience mentioned above at 17, I fell myself into a deep depression. For an entire year I could not do anything, I stopped school, did not work, did not relate with friends and family or barely...in the midst of their own problems my parents still got so concerned with me, that my dad had this crazy idea to send me to England to learn English as a nanny so that I could resume my degree on Child psychology when I will return a year later. I never came back and began traveling around the world with the question: 'What is the meaning of being humans'. Now at 52, and a intense work on my psychology, through various methods, yoga, meditation and 4th way practices (Gurdjieff and Ouspensky), I now can say that what brings happiness to old age even with its physical disagreements, it s loving something/someone beyond oneself. I learned I have a Self of multiple facets, and selfishness is the lowest, unhappy way of living, and loving something other than oneself, is getting towards the higher, happier sense of Self...still traveling there! Thank you
Love this Peter! I recently heard about a study asking elders (sorry, I mean "old" people haha) to rank their favorite decades. They said 60's, then 70's, followed by 50's. (of course in your case and my parents' 80's is up there too!) Those results made me happy and I'm feeling the positivity too at 57. I'm looking forward to aging more and more (and more!)
Thank you for this, Peter. I've lost so many people in the past year (the downfall of knowing so many people) and have found myself struggling with mortality. But so much of what you wrote is true for me! Thank you for calling it to my attention.
I suspect there is also a biological, hormonal, neuro-chemical component to feelings at different life stages. In my youth my feelings tended to be much more intense. Very Very happy or very very sad was normal. In addition I felt strong drives to find/ attract a partner. Have kids. As I've gotten older (I'm 60) my feelings are more moderated. Less wild. More balanced.
I had kids late in life so I have 15 y/o twins at home now. They are both generally happy kids but I do see in them the tendency towards intense emotions. Some of this is simply lack of experience with life but I suspect that there are neuro-hormonal drives that they live with as well. Those intense emotions that we see in adolescence often continue in various ways and degrees into adulthood.
Another commentator mentioned "health and wealth" as important components of happiness with age. I would add that another privilege that helps some be more likely to feel content in older age is whether one has lived life relatively free of societal prejudice and bias. Maybe it's because I am a relatively young "elder" and probably still in mid-life crisis. However, as I've grown older I am more aware than ever that despite my best efforts, my life has been constrained by the patriarchal society in which we live. This has generated much frustration and resentment as I continue to reinvent my best life despite a million orthopedic issues. Despite financial fears for retirement.
Now would I go back to my youth if I could? Not a chance! I don't need those wild emotions and drives of younger years. I like the perspective of having been around the block a few times. And I think that those are two key things. A change in biological stage and more perspective are likely more universal. Then the relative "health, wealth, and prejudice free" elements come into play.
I love this, Peter! Thank you for writing it. As someone who is middle aged, reading this gives me a much needed sense of hope about my future. Your playfulness and sense of happiness (that I've picked up on in our interactions) always inspire me. Thank you!
Thank you, Jill. I hope to update you soon on our pediatric initiative. We're still working on getting a grant to get that project going.
i am 58, and i am very healthy, active with several sports, ecstatically happy in my profession (i am an acupuncturist in private practice) and i am content with my relationships (single, two sons in their 20s, we talk frequently). i am a renter in the bay area, however, and the prospect of aging in place, not to mention continuing to pay for food and shelter right now, is shot. i make decent money, but paying for things is hard. the fear of what will happen to me undercuts my happiness. it feels ironic to be at the tip of maslow's pyramid in many respects, yet seeing cracks in the first level of basic need. am i the only one?
Thank you for this letter. My dad used to say "getting old ain't for sissies" (Ok, dated reference there, but you get the idea). Late adulthood brings on many challenges, and from what I've seen, the key is the ability to adapt to them. I would also add that "health and wealth" are two key predictors of happiness in that age period. Anyway, I did the math and kudos to you for being so vibrant at 81 years young! :-)
Thanks Peter. I also write about both aging and play; perhaps there's a correlation between supporting play for children and seeing the benefits of aging. It's about coming full circle, I think. I have found that accepting mortality has increased the value of everyday life - that and grandchildren who remind us to live well for as long as we can so we can watch them grow up.
Thank you for this timely bit of research and reflection.
You Are Old, Father William by Lewis Carroll
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head —
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door —
Pray, what is the reason of that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment — one shilling the box —
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak —
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose —
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
Well, I hope so. At 53 now, I see myself as having been ruined by my enslavement by adults in my childhood and adolescence. If I can live long enough to see the youth rights revolution start to happen, then maybe I can find happiness in my old age.
Let's make that yough rights revolution happen.
I am quite sure our society is too authoritarian. Most people I prefer not to know either love the status quo or they believe in their kids as tools for achieving future goals.
The revolution you describe is a spiritual one where people have to actually be different than they are. We believe in power and we use it on others to get what we want.
How then shall we attract people, since coercion is the tool we seek to abolish?
Any revolution "where people have to actually be different than they are" is bound to fail. As Steven Pinker can explain, human beings are not blank slates. Fortunately, however, much positive change is possible within the parameters of human nature.
Let's meet people where they are. For example, if they seek power, tell them how empowering self-directed education is.
People who seek power do not want others to have it. That's why school is how it is.
When you were in the 40's there was no age regression technology, but there is now to offset some of the aging with things like stem cells:
https://www.printernational.co.uk/timmann/age_regression.htm
What a great topic to write about Peter. When I talk about your work to friends and family I will often say that I love Peter Gray not only because of his perspective on children and play, but the fact that he is an older man communicating with such openness. What you shared makes total sense and one I find myself doing more and more as I head further into my mid 40's.
I remember staying at my grandparent's house to study for my year 11 exams and having a moment to reflect on how much I couldn't wait to retire so I could watch tv all day which is what my grandparent's seemed to do. Now, not only do I very rarely watch tv, but when I think about me in my older age, retirement doesn't even enter my headspace. Not that I think there is anything wrong with watching tv ... I can see how much joy it brings to my kids and husband's lives. But for me, I decided to pass it in when my kids were little because I found myself hustling them off to bed just so I could kick back and watch tv.
Since turning to living an unschooled life with my family, it has not only brought excitement for the future that seems to have no end, but I find myself being pulled back into the present moment more and more with the realisation that life can end in any moment. A realisation that first emerged when leaving the surgeon who confirmed my mum had terminal stomach cancer. As we were walking out of the clinic I turned to my mum and said, "Mum do you know that the only difference between you and everyone else who has no diagnoses is that everyone is walking around caught up in the little insignificant things that don't matter thinking their life is never going to end, and yet here you are dealt this card that is giving you the opportunity to just simply be in the here and now." I'm sure those words were my way of trying to comfort myself and my mum in such a challenging moment, but that thought has stuck with me 12 years on from losing one of my biggest life supporters. Now I get the opportunity to be my own biggest life supporter pulling myself into the present moment more and more.
Dear Dr. Peter Gray,
Please receive my most sincere congratulations and my deepest gratitude for your invaluable contribution to the well-being of humanity.
I wholeheartedly wish you good health and hope we may continue to benefit from your wise guidance for many, many years to come.
There are people like you who leave such a radiant mark that one wishes their light would never fade — that they could always accompany us with their wisdom and example.
With all my appreciation and gratitude for your inspiring work,
I send you an affectionate greeting from Lima, Peru.
Iván