"Seasoned" EC teacher here. As I was setting up my preschool room for the school year (I teach in the vanishing world of two day a week programs), I had the fortune of engaging a young helper, a fellow teacher's daughter who was going to be entering first grade. As she "child tested" all my educational play centers to assure they were engaging, she shared her excitement and ideas about what her school year was going to be like, what subjects she looked forward to, which students she was and was not looking forward to seeing and why, and other random insights into a young child entering public school 1st grade. It was delightful; she was 90% excited and 10% timid. She was grounded. Our little preschool had done a good job of helping her parents instill a love of learning. Off she went.
She returned at the end of the year to help me pack away the treasures in my room, the same ones she helped me curate into the space a few months earlier. She told me of her year, who had been nice to her and a few instances of typical bullies she decided to ignore, the type of books that she was liking and the author series she was going to persue over the break. She shared what lunch was like, how she LOVED recess (yes, our system still has it!) and generally her happiness over conquering her first year in the "big school". It made my heart happy. I'd say she was 100% confident she'd had a very good year.
I asked her what she was going to do over the Summer aside from the books she was going to read. Lots of water and sand activities were on the horizon. I asked her about next year; did she have a teacher she wanted? What was she most excited about doing in second grade? "A real art class" she said. That made me smile. Way to go local public school! Such a delightful little girl she is. She showed none of that 10% timidness from the beginning of the year. No, she is the expert now. She's got this.
As she started to skip off to her mom's room, she turned, head lowered with a furrowed brow and frowning lips. In a stilted and grave voice she looked me square and said, "I just don't want to go to THIRD grade!". Stunned at the change in her demeanor and tone, I asked why. "Because we have to do STAR testing." It's the Texas standard testing in public schools. My heart sank. I cried a bit as I realized that a trepidation of the "test" had flipped her confidence to 10% and her fear to 90% when speaking of THIRD grade year. Her mom will do her absolute best to help her daughter keep the testing in perspective. I'm sure of it. But what of the children who don't have a parent like my coworker? And will my friend's efforts be enough to guard her child from the negative impact that the immense stress FOCUSING on the test causes? The test is NOT in her next year of school but the following! Why the foreboding dread? Already?
I'm 64. In a training with Bev Boss on the importance of play in early childhood (shortly before she died), as we ate lunch she shared her "greatest concern". It was 'who was going to stand up for the children's right to their childhood' after she could no longer do it. Her words stuck in my brain. I had no idea she'd be gone so soon. I've carried her torch in my little neck of the woods ever since. But now I wonder the same thing.
What are we allowing our children to go through? It's madness.
I’m one of those people who went to a HAC, gifted program etc, then on to a prestigious college and I’m currently on the UK equivalent of welfare and plagued with chronic illness 30 years after graduating.
A core part of healing chronic illness is overcoming the perfectionism and in-built shaming that we learned so very well growing up. Even in chronic illness communities though, there’s the sense that we’re perfectionists because of our in-built traits, when what this piece affirms for me is that it’s also the toxic culture I was swam in every single day.
More people need to know this.
My husband and I are doing everything we can to shield our son from the same damage we endured at school. That said, it would be nice if we didn’t have to be doing it on next to no money. So economic factors are real, and part of changing society is not ignoring income disparity and lack of access.
I think what you've said about 'perfectionism' is very pertinent.
'Perfectionism' is often held up as something to be admired. But I've seen both children and adults completely crippled by it. Nothing in life is EVER 'perfect' so a perfectionist is always, always going to be disappointed and frustrated.
It's a little bit of a 'nature vs. nurture' argument - my own feeling is that only quite a small part of it is due to personality. I think much more is fed and watered by parents and school environments.
Perfectionism is a huge and unnecessary burden to carry.
I felt with my own autistic son I had to make a choice between his academic learning and emotional well being. I chose his well being because I thought he can pursue studies anytime, a healthy mind is more important.
A friend with a similar conundrum chose academic achievement and the results of that choice are already showing. It’s sad that parents feel put in this position.
This is all true. Was for me attending a HAS, and I became severely depressed as a teenager. As a result, I refuse to put my son in the same environment and we don't do tests or grades or do I care about results. I care about improvement, attitude, hard work, and being a good teammate/friend.
Unfortunately, the mentality starts young on using extrinsic rewards with "reward charts" and summer reading programs where they get prizes the more books they read, and "look at me" projects, and trophies and on and on.
And Parents POSTING on social media all the accomplishments their kids have done. BLAME some of the PARENTS too!! They are encouraging highlighting the extrinsic achievements online. What kind of message does that send to the kids? I remember my parents always telling me about their friends' kids ivy league acceptances and perfect SAT scores. What message did I get from that? (uh, I will only be proud if you do the same. You are not worth talking about unless you achieve that or more).
What I want as a parent is to provide the upbringing that gives my children the widest range of fruitful paths in adulthood. I believe that the intense pressure at HASs (but also with any elite college focused path) is detrimental. But the opportunities for exploration and the access to high quality instruction and interesting teachers at HASs is something I can't completely overlook. Some kids make it out of these institutions better for the experience, as some do not. Maybe my energies are best spent trying to help my kid be the former instead of sending them to a less selective and intense high school?
I think a good start, Nate, is stressing in the home and family those intrinsic values mentioned in the article, so that kids know they're loved for who they are as humans, not for their academic performance. Failure should be taught as a learning opportunity, not a character flaw. Kids should know it's okay to quit something and try something else, too. A B or C+ student in one of these schools has access to the fantastic resources and opportunities but is likely far healthier and well- roundedb than the 4.357 GPA student there.
A parent could also encourage interest and participation in activities, interests, and extracurriculars that aren't "for the resume" (college application padding, that is). I can think of many fun things a teen and/or her family could do that aren't "useful" as far as curating that danged college application.
At Meraki, school projects incorporate all areas of learning to meet common core. (It's still a public school and not a charter.) The Fire Project included: the physics and chemistry of fire, how to build a fire, home fire safety planning, wild fire home evacuation planning (pertinent to where we live), a study of historical fires with a report and presentation, human history and fire, fire in nature, etc. All culminating in a fire building competition. What kids doesn't want to start a fire at school! At the same time kids always have "personal projects" they are working on as well. My daughter has learned watercolor, crocheting, and is studying and presenting chapters from a college level veterinary anatomy and physiology textbook. My son has built electronic rocket launchers, worked with a partner to design a remote control car building project that will be done by the whole school next year, and built a go cart computer game.
With all of these projects the kids are required to plan them out in detail, modify as they go along, and then reflect on what worked and didn't in a final presentation of learning. In the process they are learning all the executive functions skills of project management. And they are encouraged to pursue their passions.
This school is not perfect. Math is learned online with a support person around for help. The district's math program was so bad my kids were deeply frustrated. We were able to get them an ok to use Kahn Academy for math and that worked much better. New district rules may mean they can't do Kahn next year. Frankly, if the school had funds they'd just teach math in person.
My kids have the option of doing high school nearby in a highly rated and much sought school or staying at Meraki. My husband and I were both very happy that they want to stay with Meraki. The life skills and learning skills they are getting there are fantastic. The love of learning is nurtured. Some kids leave Meraki having published their own song others have taken flight school and leave with a pilot’s license...on top of the school learning projects. The only real thing my kids have to give up is band. The other schools had good band programs which they loved. But they didn't blink an eye at the loss.
So twice a day I drive 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back to get them to a school where they can both thrive in a place that will nurture and not crush their love of learning. It has been a ridiculous and anxiety riddled slog to protect that love of learning. Not sure if I'll ever make it back to work.
My Ed Psych friend says there's a common cartoon in special ed. of kids looking over a fence. Two stand on the ground and can see over. The third kid is standing on a box so he can see too. The box is supposed to represent school accommodations and supports that help neuro-divergent kids access learning. But the truth is the box is not the school system. The box is a mom on her hands and knees so her kid can stand on her back. She's vomiting up income, retirement, and her life's industry.
So, does our school system suck? Yes! Who pays the price? Kids and mom's. Does it have to be this way? No. How do we fix it? Look at Finland. They started with steadily increasing teacher education for active teachers. Gradually, they raised the standards for teachers to competitive master's degrees. Pay them well. Let child development guide the real needs of grade levels. Apparently, "joy" is written into school policy and recess is frequent and liberal.
It all starts long, long, looooong before high school. My twins are 14 years old and I've had to fight to protect them from toxic high pressure environments from age 4. Let's take a look at the crazy sh*t that's out there. (Sorry, I only swear when I'm really mad, but wow this topic warrants a good bit of swearing!)
Pre-K: I'm looking for a play based environment where my kids can go for a few hours a week. I'm ready to pick a location close to home that promises free play. After several visits that look good, I decide to sit in for a longer observation. I realize that for this school "free play" means that if a kid doesn't want to do the craft of the moment they are "free" to sit at the table and do nothing. A bunch of toys and costumes sit a few feet away but they can't touch them. A 3 y/o is put in a time out for a minor infraction. After 10 minutes, I go get the school director so she can get the girl out of time out.
After much looking, I eventually find a small pre-k led by a middle aged hippie who lets the kids pile six deep on a swing without her stopping them, gives my son a hole puncher and a stack of paper when she notices his fascination, and leaves kids free to play around the room while she reads to those who are interested.
Please note that I said I found this "after much looking" this is just a tiny taste of the unpaid labor of women that goes into raising the next generation.
Kindergarten starts well. Progressive school and a teacher who is able to nurture both my daughter who is happily intent on learning to write, and my son whose dysgraphia is not yet recognized. She doesn't pressure him. Let's him be at the level of learning that he's at without pressure.
We have to move to a new area for the last 6 weeks of Kindergarten. My son's teacher is low pressure and ok. My daughter's teacher crushes her love of writing. Makes her stay in from recess to re-write her sentences more neatly. My girl who's been writing me phonetic notes since before she could write actual letters, tells me she hates sentences and isn't going to write anymore! One stupid teacher and a love of learning crushed! I tell the teacher to back off and no more holding her out of recess then spend the summer helping my girl reconnect to her joy of writing. I know she's back when she makes a sign for the playroom door that says: Keep out! No grown ups allowed! (written phonetically)
First grade, new school. Within one month my daughter, top of her class, is crying about school everyday. She has friends. The teacher's love her. But she feels stressed to the max. At 6 years old! My son is completely lost, refuses to try any reading activities, and is talking about not wanting to live! At 6 years old! I volunteer at the school to try and see what needs to happen. Looking at two different classrooms of first graders, I realize I can't fix it. The school is highly rated and sought out by families.
Two months in, after extensive research, (more mom labor!) I pull my kids and move them to a private Montessori program. We are not rich. This is a huge stretch. Within 1 week my kids are happy to go to school, in a month they are saying they "love" school, in 2 months they are both reading. No crying, no talking about wanting to die. By the end of the year they are both reading well above grade level. In the next year, the school and I will start to recognize my son's extra challenges with writing. They pull in a handwriting coach before we even realize it's dysgraphia.
When my kids started in 1st grade the Montessori teacher asked each of them how many math problems they want to do each day. Three or six? My daughter picks six and my son three. So that's what they do. My girl likes to be fast. My son, we will eventually learn has a high IQ and very slow processing with ADHD-I. Thus, long before we understand this, he's in an environment where he can thrive at his own pace. Wow. Isn't that brilliant!
Fourth grade. We've got the basics underway and decide to try public school again. The private school is costing us $12,000 a year for each child...$24,000 a year! We pick a "Montessori Charter" through a nearby public school system. We will have my son get an Ed. Psych assessment as I now realize he has dysgraphia. His writing is legible because of the handwriting coach from the private school. Now he's struggling with Executive Dysgraphia which is how it often presents in older kids.
The school has never heard of Executive dysgraphia. They do the assessment and bungle the whole thing. A dear friend who is a highly experienced Ed. Psych. walks me through all the many errors in their assessment. Including using the wrong scale in one area to falsely shift his performance from below average to average. They also conduct the most important test incorrectly. The test allows only one pre-scripted response from the tester if the child is struggling. Instead they prompt repeatedly with suggestions. They note the prompting but not the fact that it invalidates the results. It gives the false impression that his writing is at level and not challenging. If I didn't have a friend who was an Ed.Psych, I'd never have known all the errors they made. After pointing out all the errors, we insist on additional testing specific to dysgraphia. They agree.
We're half way through the year and I've been getting more and more concerned about things the kids are saying about school. In my son's classroom they must write down any questions, put them in a jar, and hope the teacher gets to answering them. Dysgraphia? Dyslexia? Maybe some kids would find this more than cumbersome! Often the questions are never answered as the teachers spend most of the day entering progress data on the kids for reports that come out 3x per week. This is because it can be used to support the schools charter status. Look, our teachers do data entry instead of teaching! Yay?
The last straw of many is when I learn that the kids are not allowed to ask the teachers any school related questions after the bell rings at the end of the day! My daughter was out for a week with strep throat and needs to talk with the teacher about a writing assignment. The teachers put the class on "no talk, no transfer, and no asking teachers questions" during class because they are working on those reports. My daughter is stressed and crying as she doesn't know how or what to do for the missed week of school. This is the last straw. I pull the kids and take them back to the Private Montessori even though they are not as good with the higher elementary grades. Still, my kids are ecstatic to leave the old school and quickly happy again. Now they start to spill all the crazy stupid rules the other school had.
The old charter school says they have sent my son's additional test results to the new school district. Covid hits. No one has the test results. Not the new district who says they never got them. Not the old district which claims they sent the raw data. Not the Ed. Psych who worked for the district and failed to even complete the report. Not the school. I will try for years to find these test result, and they will never be found.
Fifth grade. Covid: I home school both kids. Never, ever, ever thought I'd home school. (Have you noticed by now that I haven't said anything about getting back to work? I'm a physician assistant with 20 yrs experience and a master's degree in medicine. But my kids needs have become so consuming that paid work has gone back burner. I write a parenting book to stay sane.) Both my kids are smart. It is also abundantly clear that my son can verbally explain a complex math problem, but take forever to write it out. He knows all the rules of writing but cannot, can NOT see capitalization, punctuation. He's reading at 12th grade level but can barely write. We work on it all and I push typing skills. (kids with dysgraphia can often do much better typing than hand writing. But they still need help with writing structure.)
Sixth grade: space has opened at a nearby K-8th grade, small, public school with a highly progressive principal. I get the kids in. Fantastic year! They have 3 highly experience and dedicated middle school teachers who have worked together for years. The math teacher presents at least 3 ways to do every problem. My kids say he's the best math teacher they've ever had. The English teacher presents multiple ways to approach writing, scaffolds everything, notices when my son is stuck and pulls him in for positive coaching. The science teacher has tons of hands on learning experiments. When my son struggles to remember to turn in work and gets behind in math, they all meet with him together to support him and show him ways to organize. My kids are honor roll and love this school.
Seventh grade: all three of the fantastic middle school teachers left at the end of the last year. Conservative local parents bombarded the area schools with mask protests. So, we have 3 new middle school teachers. We give it a try, but they're all terrible. By the end of the year my garrulous daughter sits stoically in the car on the way home from school. No bubbly joy about school from either kid.
Eight grade: a mom friend from the early Montessori program we attended tells me about a school she's already gotten her older child into. Meraki. It's an 8th grade - 12th grade public school in a district 30 mins from our house. It's project based learning, small, full of bright quirky kids. We visit and my kids don't want to leave after the presentation. They corner the teachers and pepper them with questions about projects they'd like to do. The school is underfunded and understaffed by very dedicated veteran teachers from the public school system. They wanted to build something different. Their biggest challenge is that they often get kids too late. The love of learning has already been squashed out of them. ( continued in next post.)
It’s important to understand that kids in affluents communities grow up in a CPS desert. Any adult population exempt from punishment for child abuse is likely to enable more than its share of abusers, while their children grow up believing that their parents (and teachers) can do no wrong and that any problems they (the children) have are entirely their own fault. The alternative education movement is the only community in the U.S. that understands the universal vulnerability of young people. It’s up to us to point out that powerlessness is common to all children, and that what they have in common is much more important than their differences.
Ahh. As far as I know I coined the term, but it's merely factual. No surprise you've never heard of it; any and all criticism of CPS stops at considering the plight of maltreated kids who are NOT removed from their abusers because they're white and middle-class or up. Were you denied help by growing up in a CPS desert? I'm happy to continue this conversation offline if you're interested: megaritob@gmail.com (from one Megan to another, lol).
Not me thank god. But some of the parents and teachers, definitely were psychologically abusive. I guess that doesn’t count as much in the world of CPS, but it is insidious and these people turn into hateful adults who perpetuate more hate. And also have a lot of money and power in the world 😭 I will shoot you an email in case you want to chat more!
It's thought that CPS's mission is to punish and remediate child abuse, but a critical review of its work suggests that it's as, or more, interested in punishing material poverty and Parenting While Black.
It's validating to see this borne out by research. I went to an HAS and was under intense pressure to achieve from my parents, who were both teachers. There was also community and peer pressure. At my high school we didn't have that "dumb jocks vs. nerds" stereotype from movies. You were supposed to be smart, have a high GPA, take multiple advanced classes, AND be athletic, excel in a sport, sing/perform/play an instrument, do various clubs, AND be handsome/pretty, well-liked, etc. The losers were the people who couldn't manage at least several of these. The hypocrisy and false nature of the system became apparent to me pretty early on in high school. I wasn't a straight-A student because I couldn't force myself to work hard in subjects I didn't like. Subjects I did like came easily to me, leading me to cut corners and put in the minimum amount of effort. This undermined my love of learning and made me cynical and nihilistic. I knew grades, test scores and exam results to be shallow and easily manipulated, but I had no other framework to judge myself against. I suffered from depression and other mental health problems throughout high school and university. It wasn't until I graduated from (a very prestigious) college and was faced with the stark reality of the job market that I started to realise what a big scam it had all been. That was 20 years ago, and I know it has only gotten worse for the generation that came after me. Finding Peter's work has been hugely helpful for me in changing my paradigm and finding my values.
Opting your kids out of standardized testing can help send a message to them that these are valueless metrics. When young, my kids didn't understand why they didn't "get" to do the testing the other kids were doing. By 8th grade they now watch friends go through this stressful time and realize it's just a useless hoop that they fortunately don't have to jump through. Every time we make a kid take those tests we send the message that they are important. They're not. They are a bad solution to an adult problem. We wanted better schools and ways to assess them. Adult problem. Testing kids to try to measure adult teacher performance is wrong on every level. Yet kids still suffer for it, and we give billions of dollars to Pearson Review or whoever is testing these days. I'm amazed by how many parents don't know they can opt their kids out and more amazed when anxious stressed out kids are made to do them by parents who do know they can opt out.
Oh, I forgot to include the Ed. Psych assessment done on my son in 6th grade that noted his slow processing but failed to find his ADHD-I or dysgraphia. When we asked for a re-eval in 7th grade they first said no, laughed at me in a meeting, said there were no signs of dysgraphia. They sent us a "letter of denial." We then asked for our legal right to an outside evaluation at the schools expense. They "changed their mind" and offered to evaluate. This would mean months of evaluation (remember my son has slow processing. it takes him twice the time to do these tests as other kids. And I mean that quite literally) being done by people who have told me they can't see the need. So we said no we don't want you to do the eval. At that point they have to either "fund or file." Which means they fund the outside evaluation or legally file against us as parents! Amazingly, they chose to file agains us. We consulted with top lawyers who handle these issues and were told that "judges tend to side with the district." These administrative judges have no background in Ed. Psych, learning differences, or neurodivergent kids. So, they would say we had to take the districts evaluation and then after if we didn't like it we could ask for our outside assessment. This would push back accurate diagnosis of my son's challenges by at least six to eight months. Then you still have to fight for intervention etc.. Instead, we withdrew our request and spent $4,500, pulled from equity in our home, to get him a good assessment.
Frankly, the Ed psych who assessed our son was appalled at all the school districts who had failed my son. His challenges were evident or hinted at in all his past assessments. His high IQ made it harder to see but not invisible.
Thanks for getting to the core of the issue. This one brought tears to my eyes. Few are willing to challenge the prevailing high achievement paradigm but I'm with you. Environments based on extrinsic valuation achieve success when the student surrenders their sense of self worth to the system. Those who perform well in that environment might want to perpetuate it but everyone pays a price when achievement is linked to self worth.
Also, how does Boston College feel about your writing pieces like these? Am I naive in hoping they wholeheartedly support the search for truth and genuine improvement? Or is it just a case of tenure shielding? Either way, glad you’re doing it anyway.
I wonder if the changes can also be attributed to the internet/globalisation when in times gone by (pre-2000?) there seemed a less pressure on parents and school….there was more freedom for play, supervision (was different) seemed less false when present (now, eyes darting over screens)… this was my experience growing up in early nineties. So much space/time (sometimes too much) to explore my environment and skills.
"Seasoned" EC teacher here. As I was setting up my preschool room for the school year (I teach in the vanishing world of two day a week programs), I had the fortune of engaging a young helper, a fellow teacher's daughter who was going to be entering first grade. As she "child tested" all my educational play centers to assure they were engaging, she shared her excitement and ideas about what her school year was going to be like, what subjects she looked forward to, which students she was and was not looking forward to seeing and why, and other random insights into a young child entering public school 1st grade. It was delightful; she was 90% excited and 10% timid. She was grounded. Our little preschool had done a good job of helping her parents instill a love of learning. Off she went.
She returned at the end of the year to help me pack away the treasures in my room, the same ones she helped me curate into the space a few months earlier. She told me of her year, who had been nice to her and a few instances of typical bullies she decided to ignore, the type of books that she was liking and the author series she was going to persue over the break. She shared what lunch was like, how she LOVED recess (yes, our system still has it!) and generally her happiness over conquering her first year in the "big school". It made my heart happy. I'd say she was 100% confident she'd had a very good year.
I asked her what she was going to do over the Summer aside from the books she was going to read. Lots of water and sand activities were on the horizon. I asked her about next year; did she have a teacher she wanted? What was she most excited about doing in second grade? "A real art class" she said. That made me smile. Way to go local public school! Such a delightful little girl she is. She showed none of that 10% timidness from the beginning of the year. No, she is the expert now. She's got this.
As she started to skip off to her mom's room, she turned, head lowered with a furrowed brow and frowning lips. In a stilted and grave voice she looked me square and said, "I just don't want to go to THIRD grade!". Stunned at the change in her demeanor and tone, I asked why. "Because we have to do STAR testing." It's the Texas standard testing in public schools. My heart sank. I cried a bit as I realized that a trepidation of the "test" had flipped her confidence to 10% and her fear to 90% when speaking of THIRD grade year. Her mom will do her absolute best to help her daughter keep the testing in perspective. I'm sure of it. But what of the children who don't have a parent like my coworker? And will my friend's efforts be enough to guard her child from the negative impact that the immense stress FOCUSING on the test causes? The test is NOT in her next year of school but the following! Why the foreboding dread? Already?
I'm 64. In a training with Bev Boss on the importance of play in early childhood (shortly before she died), as we ate lunch she shared her "greatest concern". It was 'who was going to stand up for the children's right to their childhood' after she could no longer do it. Her words stuck in my brain. I had no idea she'd be gone so soon. I've carried her torch in my little neck of the woods ever since. But now I wonder the same thing.
What are we allowing our children to go through? It's madness.
Everybody in 'education' should read your post. It's heartbreaking.
And 'right to their childhood'. Our poor children barely HAVE a childhood any more *weeps*.
“ Everyone wants to blame social media; nobody wants to blame schools.”
I want to blame schools! : )
Thank you and bless you for highlighting this, so important.
I’m one of those people who went to a HAC, gifted program etc, then on to a prestigious college and I’m currently on the UK equivalent of welfare and plagued with chronic illness 30 years after graduating.
A core part of healing chronic illness is overcoming the perfectionism and in-built shaming that we learned so very well growing up. Even in chronic illness communities though, there’s the sense that we’re perfectionists because of our in-built traits, when what this piece affirms for me is that it’s also the toxic culture I was swam in every single day.
More people need to know this.
My husband and I are doing everything we can to shield our son from the same damage we endured at school. That said, it would be nice if we didn’t have to be doing it on next to no money. So economic factors are real, and part of changing society is not ignoring income disparity and lack of access.
Thank you for this piece.
Also in the UK.
I think what you've said about 'perfectionism' is very pertinent.
'Perfectionism' is often held up as something to be admired. But I've seen both children and adults completely crippled by it. Nothing in life is EVER 'perfect' so a perfectionist is always, always going to be disappointed and frustrated.
It's a little bit of a 'nature vs. nurture' argument - my own feeling is that only quite a small part of it is due to personality. I think much more is fed and watered by parents and school environments.
Perfectionism is a huge and unnecessary burden to carry.
:(
I felt with my own autistic son I had to make a choice between his academic learning and emotional well being. I chose his well being because I thought he can pursue studies anytime, a healthy mind is more important.
A friend with a similar conundrum chose academic achievement and the results of that choice are already showing. It’s sad that parents feel put in this position.
This is all true. Was for me attending a HAS, and I became severely depressed as a teenager. As a result, I refuse to put my son in the same environment and we don't do tests or grades or do I care about results. I care about improvement, attitude, hard work, and being a good teammate/friend.
Unfortunately, the mentality starts young on using extrinsic rewards with "reward charts" and summer reading programs where they get prizes the more books they read, and "look at me" projects, and trophies and on and on.
And Parents POSTING on social media all the accomplishments their kids have done. BLAME some of the PARENTS too!! They are encouraging highlighting the extrinsic achievements online. What kind of message does that send to the kids? I remember my parents always telling me about their friends' kids ivy league acceptances and perfect SAT scores. What message did I get from that? (uh, I will only be proud if you do the same. You are not worth talking about unless you achieve that or more).
What I want as a parent is to provide the upbringing that gives my children the widest range of fruitful paths in adulthood. I believe that the intense pressure at HASs (but also with any elite college focused path) is detrimental. But the opportunities for exploration and the access to high quality instruction and interesting teachers at HASs is something I can't completely overlook. Some kids make it out of these institutions better for the experience, as some do not. Maybe my energies are best spent trying to help my kid be the former instead of sending them to a less selective and intense high school?
How would you go about achieving that?
I don't really know. But I'm open to ideas.
I think a good start, Nate, is stressing in the home and family those intrinsic values mentioned in the article, so that kids know they're loved for who they are as humans, not for their academic performance. Failure should be taught as a learning opportunity, not a character flaw. Kids should know it's okay to quit something and try something else, too. A B or C+ student in one of these schools has access to the fantastic resources and opportunities but is likely far healthier and well- roundedb than the 4.357 GPA student there.
A parent could also encourage interest and participation in activities, interests, and extracurriculars that aren't "for the resume" (college application padding, that is). I can think of many fun things a teen and/or her family could do that aren't "useful" as far as curating that danged college application.
(continued from last post)
At Meraki, school projects incorporate all areas of learning to meet common core. (It's still a public school and not a charter.) The Fire Project included: the physics and chemistry of fire, how to build a fire, home fire safety planning, wild fire home evacuation planning (pertinent to where we live), a study of historical fires with a report and presentation, human history and fire, fire in nature, etc. All culminating in a fire building competition. What kids doesn't want to start a fire at school! At the same time kids always have "personal projects" they are working on as well. My daughter has learned watercolor, crocheting, and is studying and presenting chapters from a college level veterinary anatomy and physiology textbook. My son has built electronic rocket launchers, worked with a partner to design a remote control car building project that will be done by the whole school next year, and built a go cart computer game.
With all of these projects the kids are required to plan them out in detail, modify as they go along, and then reflect on what worked and didn't in a final presentation of learning. In the process they are learning all the executive functions skills of project management. And they are encouraged to pursue their passions.
This school is not perfect. Math is learned online with a support person around for help. The district's math program was so bad my kids were deeply frustrated. We were able to get them an ok to use Kahn Academy for math and that worked much better. New district rules may mean they can't do Kahn next year. Frankly, if the school had funds they'd just teach math in person.
My kids have the option of doing high school nearby in a highly rated and much sought school or staying at Meraki. My husband and I were both very happy that they want to stay with Meraki. The life skills and learning skills they are getting there are fantastic. The love of learning is nurtured. Some kids leave Meraki having published their own song others have taken flight school and leave with a pilot’s license...on top of the school learning projects. The only real thing my kids have to give up is band. The other schools had good band programs which they loved. But they didn't blink an eye at the loss.
So twice a day I drive 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back to get them to a school where they can both thrive in a place that will nurture and not crush their love of learning. It has been a ridiculous and anxiety riddled slog to protect that love of learning. Not sure if I'll ever make it back to work.
My Ed Psych friend says there's a common cartoon in special ed. of kids looking over a fence. Two stand on the ground and can see over. The third kid is standing on a box so he can see too. The box is supposed to represent school accommodations and supports that help neuro-divergent kids access learning. But the truth is the box is not the school system. The box is a mom on her hands and knees so her kid can stand on her back. She's vomiting up income, retirement, and her life's industry.
So, does our school system suck? Yes! Who pays the price? Kids and mom's. Does it have to be this way? No. How do we fix it? Look at Finland. They started with steadily increasing teacher education for active teachers. Gradually, they raised the standards for teachers to competitive master's degrees. Pay them well. Let child development guide the real needs of grade levels. Apparently, "joy" is written into school policy and recess is frequent and liberal.
It all starts long, long, looooong before high school. My twins are 14 years old and I've had to fight to protect them from toxic high pressure environments from age 4. Let's take a look at the crazy sh*t that's out there. (Sorry, I only swear when I'm really mad, but wow this topic warrants a good bit of swearing!)
Pre-K: I'm looking for a play based environment where my kids can go for a few hours a week. I'm ready to pick a location close to home that promises free play. After several visits that look good, I decide to sit in for a longer observation. I realize that for this school "free play" means that if a kid doesn't want to do the craft of the moment they are "free" to sit at the table and do nothing. A bunch of toys and costumes sit a few feet away but they can't touch them. A 3 y/o is put in a time out for a minor infraction. After 10 minutes, I go get the school director so she can get the girl out of time out.
After much looking, I eventually find a small pre-k led by a middle aged hippie who lets the kids pile six deep on a swing without her stopping them, gives my son a hole puncher and a stack of paper when she notices his fascination, and leaves kids free to play around the room while she reads to those who are interested.
Please note that I said I found this "after much looking" this is just a tiny taste of the unpaid labor of women that goes into raising the next generation.
Kindergarten starts well. Progressive school and a teacher who is able to nurture both my daughter who is happily intent on learning to write, and my son whose dysgraphia is not yet recognized. She doesn't pressure him. Let's him be at the level of learning that he's at without pressure.
We have to move to a new area for the last 6 weeks of Kindergarten. My son's teacher is low pressure and ok. My daughter's teacher crushes her love of writing. Makes her stay in from recess to re-write her sentences more neatly. My girl who's been writing me phonetic notes since before she could write actual letters, tells me she hates sentences and isn't going to write anymore! One stupid teacher and a love of learning crushed! I tell the teacher to back off and no more holding her out of recess then spend the summer helping my girl reconnect to her joy of writing. I know she's back when she makes a sign for the playroom door that says: Keep out! No grown ups allowed! (written phonetically)
First grade, new school. Within one month my daughter, top of her class, is crying about school everyday. She has friends. The teacher's love her. But she feels stressed to the max. At 6 years old! My son is completely lost, refuses to try any reading activities, and is talking about not wanting to live! At 6 years old! I volunteer at the school to try and see what needs to happen. Looking at two different classrooms of first graders, I realize I can't fix it. The school is highly rated and sought out by families.
Two months in, after extensive research, (more mom labor!) I pull my kids and move them to a private Montessori program. We are not rich. This is a huge stretch. Within 1 week my kids are happy to go to school, in a month they are saying they "love" school, in 2 months they are both reading. No crying, no talking about wanting to die. By the end of the year they are both reading well above grade level. In the next year, the school and I will start to recognize my son's extra challenges with writing. They pull in a handwriting coach before we even realize it's dysgraphia.
When my kids started in 1st grade the Montessori teacher asked each of them how many math problems they want to do each day. Three or six? My daughter picks six and my son three. So that's what they do. My girl likes to be fast. My son, we will eventually learn has a high IQ and very slow processing with ADHD-I. Thus, long before we understand this, he's in an environment where he can thrive at his own pace. Wow. Isn't that brilliant!
Fourth grade. We've got the basics underway and decide to try public school again. The private school is costing us $12,000 a year for each child...$24,000 a year! We pick a "Montessori Charter" through a nearby public school system. We will have my son get an Ed. Psych assessment as I now realize he has dysgraphia. His writing is legible because of the handwriting coach from the private school. Now he's struggling with Executive Dysgraphia which is how it often presents in older kids.
The school has never heard of Executive dysgraphia. They do the assessment and bungle the whole thing. A dear friend who is a highly experienced Ed. Psych. walks me through all the many errors in their assessment. Including using the wrong scale in one area to falsely shift his performance from below average to average. They also conduct the most important test incorrectly. The test allows only one pre-scripted response from the tester if the child is struggling. Instead they prompt repeatedly with suggestions. They note the prompting but not the fact that it invalidates the results. It gives the false impression that his writing is at level and not challenging. If I didn't have a friend who was an Ed.Psych, I'd never have known all the errors they made. After pointing out all the errors, we insist on additional testing specific to dysgraphia. They agree.
We're half way through the year and I've been getting more and more concerned about things the kids are saying about school. In my son's classroom they must write down any questions, put them in a jar, and hope the teacher gets to answering them. Dysgraphia? Dyslexia? Maybe some kids would find this more than cumbersome! Often the questions are never answered as the teachers spend most of the day entering progress data on the kids for reports that come out 3x per week. This is because it can be used to support the schools charter status. Look, our teachers do data entry instead of teaching! Yay?
The last straw of many is when I learn that the kids are not allowed to ask the teachers any school related questions after the bell rings at the end of the day! My daughter was out for a week with strep throat and needs to talk with the teacher about a writing assignment. The teachers put the class on "no talk, no transfer, and no asking teachers questions" during class because they are working on those reports. My daughter is stressed and crying as she doesn't know how or what to do for the missed week of school. This is the last straw. I pull the kids and take them back to the Private Montessori even though they are not as good with the higher elementary grades. Still, my kids are ecstatic to leave the old school and quickly happy again. Now they start to spill all the crazy stupid rules the other school had.
The old charter school says they have sent my son's additional test results to the new school district. Covid hits. No one has the test results. Not the new district who says they never got them. Not the old district which claims they sent the raw data. Not the Ed. Psych who worked for the district and failed to even complete the report. Not the school. I will try for years to find these test result, and they will never be found.
Fifth grade. Covid: I home school both kids. Never, ever, ever thought I'd home school. (Have you noticed by now that I haven't said anything about getting back to work? I'm a physician assistant with 20 yrs experience and a master's degree in medicine. But my kids needs have become so consuming that paid work has gone back burner. I write a parenting book to stay sane.) Both my kids are smart. It is also abundantly clear that my son can verbally explain a complex math problem, but take forever to write it out. He knows all the rules of writing but cannot, can NOT see capitalization, punctuation. He's reading at 12th grade level but can barely write. We work on it all and I push typing skills. (kids with dysgraphia can often do much better typing than hand writing. But they still need help with writing structure.)
Sixth grade: space has opened at a nearby K-8th grade, small, public school with a highly progressive principal. I get the kids in. Fantastic year! They have 3 highly experience and dedicated middle school teachers who have worked together for years. The math teacher presents at least 3 ways to do every problem. My kids say he's the best math teacher they've ever had. The English teacher presents multiple ways to approach writing, scaffolds everything, notices when my son is stuck and pulls him in for positive coaching. The science teacher has tons of hands on learning experiments. When my son struggles to remember to turn in work and gets behind in math, they all meet with him together to support him and show him ways to organize. My kids are honor roll and love this school.
Seventh grade: all three of the fantastic middle school teachers left at the end of the last year. Conservative local parents bombarded the area schools with mask protests. So, we have 3 new middle school teachers. We give it a try, but they're all terrible. By the end of the year my garrulous daughter sits stoically in the car on the way home from school. No bubbly joy about school from either kid.
Eight grade: a mom friend from the early Montessori program we attended tells me about a school she's already gotten her older child into. Meraki. It's an 8th grade - 12th grade public school in a district 30 mins from our house. It's project based learning, small, full of bright quirky kids. We visit and my kids don't want to leave after the presentation. They corner the teachers and pepper them with questions about projects they'd like to do. The school is underfunded and understaffed by very dedicated veteran teachers from the public school system. They wanted to build something different. Their biggest challenge is that they often get kids too late. The love of learning has already been squashed out of them. ( continued in next post.)
It’s important to understand that kids in affluents communities grow up in a CPS desert. Any adult population exempt from punishment for child abuse is likely to enable more than its share of abusers, while their children grow up believing that their parents (and teachers) can do no wrong and that any problems they (the children) have are entirely their own fault. The alternative education movement is the only community in the U.S. that understands the universal vulnerability of young people. It’s up to us to point out that powerlessness is common to all children, and that what they have in common is much more important than their differences.
WOW what incredible insight, I grew up in a community like this and never thought about it in this light. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
You're welcome. If I may ask, what do you mean by "a community like this?"
Affluent community, “CPS desert” as you so brilliantly called it
Ahh. As far as I know I coined the term, but it's merely factual. No surprise you've never heard of it; any and all criticism of CPS stops at considering the plight of maltreated kids who are NOT removed from their abusers because they're white and middle-class or up. Were you denied help by growing up in a CPS desert? I'm happy to continue this conversation offline if you're interested: megaritob@gmail.com (from one Megan to another, lol).
Not me thank god. But some of the parents and teachers, definitely were psychologically abusive. I guess that doesn’t count as much in the world of CPS, but it is insidious and these people turn into hateful adults who perpetuate more hate. And also have a lot of money and power in the world 😭 I will shoot you an email in case you want to chat more!
It's thought that CPS's mission is to punish and remediate child abuse, but a critical review of its work suggests that it's as, or more, interested in punishing material poverty and Parenting While Black.
I’m intrigued by what you said. What does CPS stand for?
What about it intrigues you?
Child Protective Services.
It's validating to see this borne out by research. I went to an HAS and was under intense pressure to achieve from my parents, who were both teachers. There was also community and peer pressure. At my high school we didn't have that "dumb jocks vs. nerds" stereotype from movies. You were supposed to be smart, have a high GPA, take multiple advanced classes, AND be athletic, excel in a sport, sing/perform/play an instrument, do various clubs, AND be handsome/pretty, well-liked, etc. The losers were the people who couldn't manage at least several of these. The hypocrisy and false nature of the system became apparent to me pretty early on in high school. I wasn't a straight-A student because I couldn't force myself to work hard in subjects I didn't like. Subjects I did like came easily to me, leading me to cut corners and put in the minimum amount of effort. This undermined my love of learning and made me cynical and nihilistic. I knew grades, test scores and exam results to be shallow and easily manipulated, but I had no other framework to judge myself against. I suffered from depression and other mental health problems throughout high school and university. It wasn't until I graduated from (a very prestigious) college and was faced with the stark reality of the job market that I started to realise what a big scam it had all been. That was 20 years ago, and I know it has only gotten worse for the generation that came after me. Finding Peter's work has been hugely helpful for me in changing my paradigm and finding my values.
Opting your kids out of standardized testing can help send a message to them that these are valueless metrics. When young, my kids didn't understand why they didn't "get" to do the testing the other kids were doing. By 8th grade they now watch friends go through this stressful time and realize it's just a useless hoop that they fortunately don't have to jump through. Every time we make a kid take those tests we send the message that they are important. They're not. They are a bad solution to an adult problem. We wanted better schools and ways to assess them. Adult problem. Testing kids to try to measure adult teacher performance is wrong on every level. Yet kids still suffer for it, and we give billions of dollars to Pearson Review or whoever is testing these days. I'm amazed by how many parents don't know they can opt their kids out and more amazed when anxious stressed out kids are made to do them by parents who do know they can opt out.
Oh, I forgot to include the Ed. Psych assessment done on my son in 6th grade that noted his slow processing but failed to find his ADHD-I or dysgraphia. When we asked for a re-eval in 7th grade they first said no, laughed at me in a meeting, said there were no signs of dysgraphia. They sent us a "letter of denial." We then asked for our legal right to an outside evaluation at the schools expense. They "changed their mind" and offered to evaluate. This would mean months of evaluation (remember my son has slow processing. it takes him twice the time to do these tests as other kids. And I mean that quite literally) being done by people who have told me they can't see the need. So we said no we don't want you to do the eval. At that point they have to either "fund or file." Which means they fund the outside evaluation or legally file against us as parents! Amazingly, they chose to file agains us. We consulted with top lawyers who handle these issues and were told that "judges tend to side with the district." These administrative judges have no background in Ed. Psych, learning differences, or neurodivergent kids. So, they would say we had to take the districts evaluation and then after if we didn't like it we could ask for our outside assessment. This would push back accurate diagnosis of my son's challenges by at least six to eight months. Then you still have to fight for intervention etc.. Instead, we withdrew our request and spent $4,500, pulled from equity in our home, to get him a good assessment.
Frankly, the Ed psych who assessed our son was appalled at all the school districts who had failed my son. His challenges were evident or hinted at in all his past assessments. His high IQ made it harder to see but not invisible.
Thanks for getting to the core of the issue. This one brought tears to my eyes. Few are willing to challenge the prevailing high achievement paradigm but I'm with you. Environments based on extrinsic valuation achieve success when the student surrenders their sense of self worth to the system. Those who perform well in that environment might want to perpetuate it but everyone pays a price when achievement is linked to self worth.
Also, how does Boston College feel about your writing pieces like these? Am I naive in hoping they wholeheartedly support the search for truth and genuine improvement? Or is it just a case of tenure shielding? Either way, glad you’re doing it anyway.
Rachel, nobody at BC has ever complained about my writing on such issues.
Excellent!
Hear hear PG. Couldn’t agree more.
I wonder if the changes can also be attributed to the internet/globalisation when in times gone by (pre-2000?) there seemed a less pressure on parents and school….there was more freedom for play, supervision (was different) seemed less false when present (now, eyes darting over screens)… this was my experience growing up in early nineties. So much space/time (sometimes too much) to explore my environment and skills.
🫶🏼