I really feel for parents in these times because society has conspired in so many ways to make “good enough” not seem good enough. For instance, the notion that good enough parents don’t blindly follow experts—I’ve been studying the rise of the parenting “expert” for the book I’m writing. The whole “parenting expert” industry really shifted as the internet exploded and expertise gained more monetary value. There’s a chilling study from 2006 from the University of Dundee that looked at the advice mothers were given on the top parenting websites in the weeks after 9/11. 90% of those websites told mothers—in one form or another—that they could not trust their intuition at that time, and that they needed to consult experts. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16784502/ And of course those websites wanted the mothers to come back for their “expertise”—it was how they made money! This practice only increased in the years that followed. (And that’s before media “influencers” started undermining intuition.)
This is just *one* example of the ways parents—mothers especially—have been given the message that they are *not* good enough. Which is all to say that I agree with you and Bettelheim—but if today’s parents are going to use these tools, they may need a lot of support and compassion to undo the societal messaging they’ve been hammered with for the past 20 years.
All the parenting "experts" prey on the unsure, insecure new mother. And it doesn't help that today's culture is all about mom-shaming if something goes amiss or a child behaves "badly." This in turn perpetuates mothers featuring "perfect" children and their accomplishments on social media which in turn emphasizes to children that they need to perform and be perfect! It's all very sick and exhausting. I roll my eyes at "parenting experts." Like what does that even mean? Some of which don't even have children themselves! ha.
THIS: "Good enough parents are more concerned for the child’s experience of childhood than with the child’s future as an adult."
Unfortunately - nearly all, especially intensive parents, are ONLY focused on the child's future, specifically which college they will get into and what career they will take.
I just read "Life Under Pressure: the social roots of youth suicide and what to do about them," by Anna Mueller and Seth Abrutyn. The suicide cluster town that they studied - those traits are in many high-achieving American towns. When will parents realize - it is NOT worth it.
"The attempt to be a perfect parent, or even a great one, is futile and possibly harmful," is one of the most profound statements of the day regarding parenting.
Thank God I was never one to compare or compete with anyone but myself, so my goal was always to just do MY best as a parent.
I really feel for parents in these times because society has conspired in so many ways to make “good enough” not seem good enough. For instance, the notion that good enough parents don’t blindly follow experts—I’ve been studying the rise of the parenting “expert” for the book I’m writing. The whole “parenting expert” industry really shifted as the internet exploded and expertise gained more monetary value. There’s a chilling study from 2006 from the University of Dundee that looked at the advice mothers were given on the top parenting websites in the weeks after 9/11. 90% of those websites told mothers—in one form or another—that they could not trust their intuition at that time, and that they needed to consult experts. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16784502/ And of course those websites wanted the mothers to come back for their “expertise”—it was how they made money! This practice only increased in the years that followed. (And that’s before media “influencers” started undermining intuition.)
This is just *one* example of the ways parents—mothers especially—have been given the message that they are *not* good enough. Which is all to say that I agree with you and Bettelheim—but if today’s parents are going to use these tools, they may need a lot of support and compassion to undo the societal messaging they’ve been hammered with for the past 20 years.
All the parenting "experts" prey on the unsure, insecure new mother. And it doesn't help that today's culture is all about mom-shaming if something goes amiss or a child behaves "badly." This in turn perpetuates mothers featuring "perfect" children and their accomplishments on social media which in turn emphasizes to children that they need to perform and be perfect! It's all very sick and exhausting. I roll my eyes at "parenting experts." Like what does that even mean? Some of which don't even have children themselves! ha.
Real parents are never perfect. Perfect parents are never real!
THIS: "Good enough parents are more concerned for the child’s experience of childhood than with the child’s future as an adult."
Unfortunately - nearly all, especially intensive parents, are ONLY focused on the child's future, specifically which college they will get into and what career they will take.
I just read "Life Under Pressure: the social roots of youth suicide and what to do about them," by Anna Mueller and Seth Abrutyn. The suicide cluster town that they studied - those traits are in many high-achieving American towns. When will parents realize - it is NOT worth it.
"The attempt to be a perfect parent, or even a great one, is futile and possibly harmful," is one of the most profound statements of the day regarding parenting.
Thank God I was never one to compare or compete with anyone but myself, so my goal was always to just do MY best as a parent.