It always frustrated me that things that my kids just wanted to do for fun, like dance and soccer, were structured to be competitive. If you didn't want to compete, you really weren't welcome. Can't we just have fun, practice the skills, and do things for the joy of it? Even scouting became about collecting badges and awards.
Thank you Peter for putting into words my deepest feelings and thoughts... reading that first half of your essay made me feel sick in the stomach. How has it come to this? We have become so focused on the wrong things. And then your conclusive thoughts were a balm to my soul. Yes, yes, this is what truly matters. As always, your work is so needed, now more than ever 💛
Absolutely agree. An obsession with "winning" is toxic, and it's not our natural inclination. It's the *wrong* priority, especially for children. Yes, life is competitive ... but that's an adult reality, sort of like death is an adult reality. I am grateful to your substack because play itself is so much more important than competition.
Dear Peter, As you know I am Australian, but now I live in China. You can multiply the competitiveness X 100 or even X 1000 from the USA to China. We know many parents who happily "brag" about they shuttle their kids after school (even kindergarten!) from one sport to another all in one day (like maybe ballet, then violin lesson, then swimming lesson after school etc.). Then they do their homework (even at kindergarten!) until 1 or 2am in the morning and then start again at the crack of dawn to get ready for school again. This is totally normal in China and if I say something like that sounds like too much stress for the kids, they can't understand me (the parents).
I should say I am not a saint on this myself. Although I homeschool my kids to spare them the Chinese school nightmare (actually they attend an American online school by video), but I do take my children to sports but that is because I really want them to succeed at that sport and maybe be in the Olympics in the future (so you need to train from a very young age). However although I am guilty of doing this competitive thing, if at like age 8 or 10 they say they don't enjoy it, I will pull them out. I am just starting them young because I know that's what is required to succeed in the sport.
Yes, my son plays baseball in middle school and isn't very good since he did not play when he was young. He never wanted to play little league so I never signed him up for it. Now he tells me that when he has kids he will make sure they are in little league so they are better players in middle school! You really can't win, I tell you..
There is such a thing as friendly competition and good sportsmanship, but I think in our society as it is we have reached a level of desperation where it feels like there are limited resources that we all have to fight for, and that bleeds over into our children's lives in many ways. If families felt more secure, I think they'd give their kids more time and space to play and figure out the world in their own time. However, I understand that even rich people push their kids to go to Ivy League schools, so to some extent it's a status symbol for some, and a way to network with other elites.
This was not my experience as a kid or for my kids when they were young. We competed plenty on the playground, having foot races, playing tether ball, four square, tag, dodgeball, etc. The point wasn’t about the competition as much as it was the fun, but we still kept score and wanted to win. As an adult I’ve witnessed a lot of (mostly) friendly competition between kids, both my own and others (I worked at an elementary school for several years and I teach Sunday School). To me it seems like a given that kids will compete in some capacity when playing, especially when playing outdoors. I don’t think kids drop out because games become competitive. I think they drop out when other kids (or sometimes they themselves) aren’t good sports (in winning OR losing).
I live in New Zealand and grew up in Australia and this is not why any of the kids I know played/play sport. I have encouraged my daughter to play a team sport (hockey) so she understands about working in a team and cooperation. I asked my friends why their kids do sport and their reasons are; healthy lifestyle, make friends, they enjoy it, they asked to do it, creating links in the community, they need an outlet for their energy, the fun of it. This article makes me sad for American society and troubles me that Australia and New Zealand like to copy you.
We see cooperative play as the main thrust of our homeschool co-op group. This group of kids ranging from 4 to 12 years of age will often collaborate on some major project or game for large chunks of a day. Last week we saw them all collaborate on digging the biggest hole they could on the beach. It was a very joyful sight to see. It's very rare to see this group formally compete against each other - even their wrestling or ball games are modulated so every kid gets a chance to have a go.
I was glad to read your take on competition and I think this over indexing into competition and a toxic mythology of meritocracy in the US has really wrought a lot of widespread damage on our society.
In recent years my husband and I have both left jobs where it seemed like the companies we worked for were intentionally sliced up into siloed "teams" or departments that were constantly being played off each other, put in direct competition, and encouraged to undermine each other in order to protect their own value. The systemic dysfunction of this within an organization just becomes too much to navigate after awhile. It seems like no one is still focused on the overarching stated goals of the company (making good products, pleasing customers, gaining market share through providing value and earning trust) ...and it all becomes just multiple levels of Machiavellian scheming where no one wants anyone else to succeed and their primary focus seems to be putting up hurdles to other people's progress.
Work is hard enough in the adult world, without feeling like people on your own team, in your own organization want to keep you from doing your work effectively or well.
We both yearn for a place where effective teamwork is a reality, not just a soundbite. Maybe future generations of kids will be better trained in the art and value of cooperation, and future companies will be less peopled by toxic competition that actually undermines their long term business goals.
Congratulations on the article. My doctoral thesis was about collaborative learning in artistic-pedagogical communities. It is with adults but it was exciting to see and demonstrate that collaboration is a process where, mediated by art, adults suddenly flourish, elaborating something together and building precious dialogues. I think the whole theory of competition is very harmful to our society. Especially the associated narrative. As a parent I see it every day, I see that narrative of competition dragging people down. Thank you for your newsletter.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace has 15k followers on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/jenniferbrehenywallace/) where she promotes fostering better mental health for kids who live in the elite education world that begins with enrolling in pre-K at Dalton.
I think this topic is hard to generalize. My oldest child (almost 6) has always been very interested in being the fastest -- running is a major source of status at that age. I think being competitive is part of his personality; it wasn't something we made him do. It also came with obnoxious bragging about winning, which we keep pointing out to him as making his friends sad / not want to play. I think he's getting it and improving. Ideally, being good at things while being empathetic with your friends seems like a good combination.
I agree that there are not enough organized sports that avoid the focus on winning.
I'm very sympathetic to your argument. We have three kids, all in self-directed, non-coercive, play-based education. As you predicted, our kids rarely compete, except for sibling rivalry. However, if I argue the other side momentarily, competing is an excellent way to assess skills. And it's easier to get better if you know where you're falling short. Competing is testing, and testing is necessary for learning.
Inadequate vitamin D3 supplementation and the widespread use of caffeine - and, unfortunately, chocolate - cause pervasive problems in childhood and adulthood which are generally unrecognised.
Caffeine (in tea, coffee, some sodas / soft drinks and "energy drinks") - and, unfortunately, the caffeine and very similar theobromine in chocolate - are addictive, increase tiredness (except for the first few hours), anxiety, aggression, frustration, nightmares and PTSD symptoms. These put us into fight-or-flight mode. They drive impatience and hastily conceived actions, while diminishing the gentle, unhurried, loose bubbling of ideas which is the primary mechanism of creativity - when familiar concepts align in a novel and promising combination.
These drugs surely reduce cooperation in play, except perhaps in games involving high levels of aggression - which I think are a significant and at times valuable part of play.
Excessive adult control of children's lives absolutely is a problem, as you describe. Likewise many aspects of social media and screen based activities. So is the widespread use of caffeine and (unfortunately, since it is a pleasure to eat, chocolate). In addition to the the above problems, these drugs are typically used every day, for decades - and they drive people to take other drugs of dependence which, at least in the short term, reduce anxiety: alcohol, nicotine, cannabis, opioids and the SSRIs and related "antidepressants".
Children and adults are also being protected from direct sunlight, due to the UV-B light it contains damaging DNA and so raising the risk of skin cancer. However, in the absence of proper vitamin D3 supplementation, the resultant level of 25-hydroxyvitamin D (produced primarily in the liver from vitamin D3) falls far below the 50 ng/mL (125 nmol/L 1 part in 20,000,000 by mass, as measured in "vitamin D" blood tests) which the immune system needs to function properly. (There is very little vitamin D3 in food, fortified or not, or in multivitamins.)
Most people in most countries lack sufficient 25-hydroxyvitamin D for proper health, so the problems of infectious disease, in-utero and early childhood development, sepsis, cancer, autoimmune disorders and neurodegeneration are much worse than they would be with proper vitamin D3 supplementation.
Please see the research cited and discussed at: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/. Proper vitamin D3 supplementation, in quantities well above the minuscule quantities governments and many doctors recommend (such as 0.015 milligrams, 15 micrograms, 600 IU a day for adults), is needed to attain at least the 50 ng/mL 125 nmol/L circulating (in the bloodstream) 25-hydroxyvitamin D the immune system needs to function properly.
The amount vitamin D3 to supplement depends on body weight and obesity status: https://nutritionmatters.substack.com/p/how-much-vitamin-d3-to-take. These are the recommendations of New Jersey based Professor of Medicine, Sunil Wimalawansa. For average weight adults, 0.125 mg 125 micrograms (5000 IU) a day, on average, is a good amount. This takes several months to raise the circulating 25-hydroxyvitamin D level, from typical unsupplemented levels of 5 to 25 ng/mL, safely over 50 ng/mL.
This section cites and discusses the impact of low 25-hydroxyvitamin D in the mom-to-be, and so her developing baby, on autism, preeclampsia, mental retardation, pre-term birth and low birth weight: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#3.2 .
This section https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#3.3 concerns research on 25-hydroxyvitamin D levels (made in the liver, over several days, from ingested or UV-B produced vitamin D3) and dementia / neurodegeneration.
It always frustrated me that things that my kids just wanted to do for fun, like dance and soccer, were structured to be competitive. If you didn't want to compete, you really weren't welcome. Can't we just have fun, practice the skills, and do things for the joy of it? Even scouting became about collecting badges and awards.
Thank you Peter for putting into words my deepest feelings and thoughts... reading that first half of your essay made me feel sick in the stomach. How has it come to this? We have become so focused on the wrong things. And then your conclusive thoughts were a balm to my soul. Yes, yes, this is what truly matters. As always, your work is so needed, now more than ever 💛
Absolutely agree. An obsession with "winning" is toxic, and it's not our natural inclination. It's the *wrong* priority, especially for children. Yes, life is competitive ... but that's an adult reality, sort of like death is an adult reality. I am grateful to your substack because play itself is so much more important than competition.
Dear Peter, As you know I am Australian, but now I live in China. You can multiply the competitiveness X 100 or even X 1000 from the USA to China. We know many parents who happily "brag" about they shuttle their kids after school (even kindergarten!) from one sport to another all in one day (like maybe ballet, then violin lesson, then swimming lesson after school etc.). Then they do their homework (even at kindergarten!) until 1 or 2am in the morning and then start again at the crack of dawn to get ready for school again. This is totally normal in China and if I say something like that sounds like too much stress for the kids, they can't understand me (the parents).
I should say I am not a saint on this myself. Although I homeschool my kids to spare them the Chinese school nightmare (actually they attend an American online school by video), but I do take my children to sports but that is because I really want them to succeed at that sport and maybe be in the Olympics in the future (so you need to train from a very young age). However although I am guilty of doing this competitive thing, if at like age 8 or 10 they say they don't enjoy it, I will pull them out. I am just starting them young because I know that's what is required to succeed in the sport.
Yes, my son plays baseball in middle school and isn't very good since he did not play when he was young. He never wanted to play little league so I never signed him up for it. Now he tells me that when he has kids he will make sure they are in little league so they are better players in middle school! You really can't win, I tell you..
There is such a thing as friendly competition and good sportsmanship, but I think in our society as it is we have reached a level of desperation where it feels like there are limited resources that we all have to fight for, and that bleeds over into our children's lives in many ways. If families felt more secure, I think they'd give their kids more time and space to play and figure out the world in their own time. However, I understand that even rich people push their kids to go to Ivy League schools, so to some extent it's a status symbol for some, and a way to network with other elites.
This was not my experience as a kid or for my kids when they were young. We competed plenty on the playground, having foot races, playing tether ball, four square, tag, dodgeball, etc. The point wasn’t about the competition as much as it was the fun, but we still kept score and wanted to win. As an adult I’ve witnessed a lot of (mostly) friendly competition between kids, both my own and others (I worked at an elementary school for several years and I teach Sunday School). To me it seems like a given that kids will compete in some capacity when playing, especially when playing outdoors. I don’t think kids drop out because games become competitive. I think they drop out when other kids (or sometimes they themselves) aren’t good sports (in winning OR losing).
I live in New Zealand and grew up in Australia and this is not why any of the kids I know played/play sport. I have encouraged my daughter to play a team sport (hockey) so she understands about working in a team and cooperation. I asked my friends why their kids do sport and their reasons are; healthy lifestyle, make friends, they enjoy it, they asked to do it, creating links in the community, they need an outlet for their energy, the fun of it. This article makes me sad for American society and troubles me that Australia and New Zealand like to copy you.
We see cooperative play as the main thrust of our homeschool co-op group. This group of kids ranging from 4 to 12 years of age will often collaborate on some major project or game for large chunks of a day. Last week we saw them all collaborate on digging the biggest hole they could on the beach. It was a very joyful sight to see. It's very rare to see this group formally compete against each other - even their wrestling or ball games are modulated so every kid gets a chance to have a go.
I was glad to read your take on competition and I think this over indexing into competition and a toxic mythology of meritocracy in the US has really wrought a lot of widespread damage on our society.
In recent years my husband and I have both left jobs where it seemed like the companies we worked for were intentionally sliced up into siloed "teams" or departments that were constantly being played off each other, put in direct competition, and encouraged to undermine each other in order to protect their own value. The systemic dysfunction of this within an organization just becomes too much to navigate after awhile. It seems like no one is still focused on the overarching stated goals of the company (making good products, pleasing customers, gaining market share through providing value and earning trust) ...and it all becomes just multiple levels of Machiavellian scheming where no one wants anyone else to succeed and their primary focus seems to be putting up hurdles to other people's progress.
Work is hard enough in the adult world, without feeling like people on your own team, in your own organization want to keep you from doing your work effectively or well.
We both yearn for a place where effective teamwork is a reality, not just a soundbite. Maybe future generations of kids will be better trained in the art and value of cooperation, and future companies will be less peopled by toxic competition that actually undermines their long term business goals.
Congratulations on the article. My doctoral thesis was about collaborative learning in artistic-pedagogical communities. It is with adults but it was exciting to see and demonstrate that collaboration is a process where, mediated by art, adults suddenly flourish, elaborating something together and building precious dialogues. I think the whole theory of competition is very harmful to our society. Especially the associated narrative. As a parent I see it every day, I see that narrative of competition dragging people down. Thank you for your newsletter.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace has 15k followers on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/jenniferbrehenywallace/) where she promotes fostering better mental health for kids who live in the elite education world that begins with enrolling in pre-K at Dalton.
I think this topic is hard to generalize. My oldest child (almost 6) has always been very interested in being the fastest -- running is a major source of status at that age. I think being competitive is part of his personality; it wasn't something we made him do. It also came with obnoxious bragging about winning, which we keep pointing out to him as making his friends sad / not want to play. I think he's getting it and improving. Ideally, being good at things while being empathetic with your friends seems like a good combination.
I agree that there are not enough organized sports that avoid the focus on winning.
I'm very sympathetic to your argument. We have three kids, all in self-directed, non-coercive, play-based education. As you predicted, our kids rarely compete, except for sibling rivalry. However, if I argue the other side momentarily, competing is an excellent way to assess skills. And it's easier to get better if you know where you're falling short. Competing is testing, and testing is necessary for learning.
Inadequate vitamin D3 supplementation and the widespread use of caffeine - and, unfortunately, chocolate - cause pervasive problems in childhood and adulthood which are generally unrecognised.
Caffeine (in tea, coffee, some sodas / soft drinks and "energy drinks") - and, unfortunately, the caffeine and very similar theobromine in chocolate - are addictive, increase tiredness (except for the first few hours), anxiety, aggression, frustration, nightmares and PTSD symptoms. These put us into fight-or-flight mode. They drive impatience and hastily conceived actions, while diminishing the gentle, unhurried, loose bubbling of ideas which is the primary mechanism of creativity - when familiar concepts align in a novel and promising combination.
These drugs surely reduce cooperation in play, except perhaps in games involving high levels of aggression - which I think are a significant and at times valuable part of play.
Excessive adult control of children's lives absolutely is a problem, as you describe. Likewise many aspects of social media and screen based activities. So is the widespread use of caffeine and (unfortunately, since it is a pleasure to eat, chocolate). In addition to the the above problems, these drugs are typically used every day, for decades - and they drive people to take other drugs of dependence which, at least in the short term, reduce anxiety: alcohol, nicotine, cannabis, opioids and the SSRIs and related "antidepressants".
Children and adults are also being protected from direct sunlight, due to the UV-B light it contains damaging DNA and so raising the risk of skin cancer. However, in the absence of proper vitamin D3 supplementation, the resultant level of 25-hydroxyvitamin D (produced primarily in the liver from vitamin D3) falls far below the 50 ng/mL (125 nmol/L 1 part in 20,000,000 by mass, as measured in "vitamin D" blood tests) which the immune system needs to function properly. (There is very little vitamin D3 in food, fortified or not, or in multivitamins.)
Most people in most countries lack sufficient 25-hydroxyvitamin D for proper health, so the problems of infectious disease, in-utero and early childhood development, sepsis, cancer, autoimmune disorders and neurodegeneration are much worse than they would be with proper vitamin D3 supplementation.
Please see the research cited and discussed at: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/. Proper vitamin D3 supplementation, in quantities well above the minuscule quantities governments and many doctors recommend (such as 0.015 milligrams, 15 micrograms, 600 IU a day for adults), is needed to attain at least the 50 ng/mL 125 nmol/L circulating (in the bloodstream) 25-hydroxyvitamin D the immune system needs to function properly.
The amount vitamin D3 to supplement depends on body weight and obesity status: https://nutritionmatters.substack.com/p/how-much-vitamin-d3-to-take. These are the recommendations of New Jersey based Professor of Medicine, Sunil Wimalawansa. For average weight adults, 0.125 mg 125 micrograms (5000 IU) a day, on average, is a good amount. This takes several months to raise the circulating 25-hydroxyvitamin D level, from typical unsupplemented levels of 5 to 25 ng/mL, safely over 50 ng/mL.
This section cites and discusses the impact of low 25-hydroxyvitamin D in the mom-to-be, and so her developing baby, on autism, preeclampsia, mental retardation, pre-term birth and low birth weight: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#3.2 .
This section https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#3.3 concerns research on 25-hydroxyvitamin D levels (made in the liver, over several days, from ingested or UV-B produced vitamin D3) and dementia / neurodegeneration.