Agreed on all counts except for the dismissal of the ills of social media. As someone whose spouse has worked in tech for a long time, I can say safely say that children who choose to spend time on social media are not choosing their choice. I am ambivalent on the evidence regarding social media as the cause of youth mental health crises, and I'm skeptical of the moral panic surrounding it. However, social media is not an equivalent activity to other activities that children undertake. It is not used as a mode of connection, it is designed to disconnect and isolate us, and tell us that the poor facsimile of connection we receive is equivalent to real world interaction and co-regulation with other humans. These pieces of software are designed to use your cognitive predictability to keep you clicking, scrolling, watching at every opportunity. That is the reason that these giant multinational corporations exist and the only internal metric they measure success by. I can't see how these pieces of software then are healthy for our young people. I'm all for choice and I happily unschool my children, but I do think that because of their very design, we should keep social media usage to a very minimum with children. They're specifically designed to not be a choice, and even if they aren't causing mental health issues (jury is out) the fact that kids can't get off them even when they want to is a problem. If I can't say no to doom scrolling, what chance does a 14 year old girl have?
I agree. I feel the same way about highly processed food and children (well, everyone of be try age). Lots of large corporations investing in lots of scientists to make it very addictive. It’s important to recognize autonomy and respect choice, but also, if something is highly highly addictive, the caregiver bears responsibility.
Social media in its current form does not build authentic relationships. It’s made to be addictive.
Perhaps one day (and maybe with some Kids Online Safety boundaries in place) it can foster connection across geographical divides. I don’t think it’s a moral panic, as posited in the above article. It’s a real concern.
And my teen - who is allowed the freedom to hangout with friends, disappear without me always knowing his exact location, and have private conversations in person/on the phone - is not lacking in a life lived without any social media. He actually *talks* to his peers, which can’t be said for all high schoolers.
I think it's a real concern, but I also have a bit of a problem with the shape of the discourse surrounding social media and it's problems, which does have a decided moral panic flavour to it. I feel as though people making the anti social media argument are wanting to demonise social media in the way music with swearing was demonized in the 90s. But in essence I agree that social media falls into the "not for kids" bucket, and I think just taking phones away isn't a great choice. Don't worry about regulating kids, regulate the giant unethical companies who are stealing people's lives and selling it to advertisers for massive profits.
Another excellent piece. Thanks for your reasoned, research-driven thinking and an easily analogy to make the point. I’m also especially grateful for your calmer assessment of social media; like many things we do, it can cause joy or distress. But the moral panic around it today is another example of how adults are trying to further control children rather than let them experience the world as it is. Back in my day, it was hard rock and Dungeons and Dragons that came with parental warning labels; today it’s TikTok and Facebook; tomorrow it will be something else. As long as the cultural norm encourages helicopter parenting, there will always be another scapegoat to justify the need to control young people…
… and then we wonder why they grow up into adults who want to control other adults, too…
Peter, I plan to go through your research, thank you for sharing. I am concerned about the amount of testing through digital curriculum that occurs in schools and feel it must have an impact on children as well. They are constantly being evaluated in the name of progress monitoring and are often able to see their "scores", even with homework. I know that students I work with are negatively impacted by it, I can't imagine it sparks a love of learning! Kids are evaluated at least 3 times a year through NWEA testing along with their own state testing which seems like way too much. I would love to get your thoughts on that as well! Thank you!
I used this same approach to stop saying “be careful!” and “You’re ok!” to my kids. If I fell down the stairs or someone bullied me and my spouse said that is such a patronizing way, I would be furious.
It seems this is the analogy that keeps on giving!
For those of us in the UK, where school uniform is still widely used, we can add that this 'friend' also tells you what to wear every single day—down to your hairstyle and the colour of your socks—and punishes you for any deviation.
Uniform policy here in the UK is always defended as being beneficial for children. Apparently it completely masks wealth and class differences, prevents bullying, and shields teens from feelings of jealousy and the pressure to have the "right" clothes. In reality, it does none of those things. In my experience, it just condensed all that pressure into the few items we could choose for ourselves.
Uniforms are so interesting! My kids get a great deal of personal satisfaction from choosing what they wear. However it always provokes a conversation about what would be appropriate clothing for the kids of activities they undertake. I know some people that have a self designed uniform of sorts so they aren't burdened with the choice they care little about, they just wear a variation of the same thing every day. It's a nice allegory for the mechanism of choice-making in greater life. We choose what's important to us, but what's interesting to me is all the factors that go into that choice making process.
I disagree about uniform policies choking the spirit. Per my own & my kids’ experiences, uniforms can bring simplicity & some peace to daily routine. Don’t have to make a decision early in the morning - just throw it on & go.
It’s similar to any work uniform. You wear the outfit suited to your job. A school uniform is suited to the job of learning. Ideally it keeps kids from getting too distracted by too little clothing or inflammatory statements, etc.
Obviously the kids can tell status based on shoes, jewelry, etc. But it tends to be less distracting overall.
I agree that a uniform can bring simplicity to a morning routine, but in my experience the downsides outweighed that single positive. By the age 14-16, almost all of my lessons at school lost ten minutes of teaching time to uniform policing.
I think children and teenagers are capable of choosing an outfit for school without being micromanaged. They will certainly make bad choices at times, like baggy jeans on a rainy day, but that it part of learning.
I'd also question whether school uniforms really are that practical. A recently published study by the University of Cambridge showed that in schools with the strictest uniform policies, children were the least physically active.
I agree! So at what age? My three-year-old wants to trek out on her own. I want to trust her, and she is three. At what age is the brain ready to handle some of the tasks it is wanting to do?
Is it possible to have a wider constraint I wonder? For example: When mine were that age we would be in the park, where I could see and be seen while they could explore within that area.
my mentor Daisaku Ikeda, who has also established the Soka Schooling System, once said that school must teach self-restraint. And that, i believe, is diametrically opposed to imposing restraints on children.
Its really hard, I got four children, I know, and it requires the parent to also practice self-restraint.
Thanks for this excellent exercise for our minds. I fully agree with your arguments about the need to let our kids have more autonomy and this was a great way to frame it.
When it comes to the claim that researchers in general don't think social media is a problem, I'm afraid the previous references (in the D-letters) now seem like a bit of cherry picking. It's quite easy to find meta studies and that reach the opposite conclusion. Like this one: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(18)30060-9/fulltext
I, however, agree with a conclusion regarding digital media that I've heard Peter draw in an interview somewhere. The message was sort of "if parents can help keeping it to reasonable volumes so that it doesn't crowd out everything else we're probably fine". That is probably a very good starting point!
I’m of the opinion that phones and social media are two very separate things. My husband often remarks that I spend too long on my phone. Maybe I do. I enjoy using this mini computer for a multitude of reasons. While I can understand the difficulty of exercising self control for some activities, how are we to expect anyone to learn that self control by removing the opportunity?
Agreed on all counts except for the dismissal of the ills of social media. As someone whose spouse has worked in tech for a long time, I can say safely say that children who choose to spend time on social media are not choosing their choice. I am ambivalent on the evidence regarding social media as the cause of youth mental health crises, and I'm skeptical of the moral panic surrounding it. However, social media is not an equivalent activity to other activities that children undertake. It is not used as a mode of connection, it is designed to disconnect and isolate us, and tell us that the poor facsimile of connection we receive is equivalent to real world interaction and co-regulation with other humans. These pieces of software are designed to use your cognitive predictability to keep you clicking, scrolling, watching at every opportunity. That is the reason that these giant multinational corporations exist and the only internal metric they measure success by. I can't see how these pieces of software then are healthy for our young people. I'm all for choice and I happily unschool my children, but I do think that because of their very design, we should keep social media usage to a very minimum with children. They're specifically designed to not be a choice, and even if they aren't causing mental health issues (jury is out) the fact that kids can't get off them even when they want to is a problem. If I can't say no to doom scrolling, what chance does a 14 year old girl have?
I agree. I feel the same way about highly processed food and children (well, everyone of be try age). Lots of large corporations investing in lots of scientists to make it very addictive. It’s important to recognize autonomy and respect choice, but also, if something is highly highly addictive, the caregiver bears responsibility.
Social media in its current form does not build authentic relationships. It’s made to be addictive.
Perhaps one day (and maybe with some Kids Online Safety boundaries in place) it can foster connection across geographical divides. I don’t think it’s a moral panic, as posited in the above article. It’s a real concern.
And my teen - who is allowed the freedom to hangout with friends, disappear without me always knowing his exact location, and have private conversations in person/on the phone - is not lacking in a life lived without any social media. He actually *talks* to his peers, which can’t be said for all high schoolers.
-Ryan’s Wife
It’s a both/and situation - give kids the freedom to play AND keep them off social media.
I think it's a real concern, but I also have a bit of a problem with the shape of the discourse surrounding social media and it's problems, which does have a decided moral panic flavour to it. I feel as though people making the anti social media argument are wanting to demonise social media in the way music with swearing was demonized in the 90s. But in essence I agree that social media falls into the "not for kids" bucket, and I think just taking phones away isn't a great choice. Don't worry about regulating kids, regulate the giant unethical companies who are stealing people's lives and selling it to advertisers for massive profits.
Another excellent piece. Thanks for your reasoned, research-driven thinking and an easily analogy to make the point. I’m also especially grateful for your calmer assessment of social media; like many things we do, it can cause joy or distress. But the moral panic around it today is another example of how adults are trying to further control children rather than let them experience the world as it is. Back in my day, it was hard rock and Dungeons and Dragons that came with parental warning labels; today it’s TikTok and Facebook; tomorrow it will be something else. As long as the cultural norm encourages helicopter parenting, there will always be another scapegoat to justify the need to control young people…
… and then we wonder why they grow up into adults who want to control other adults, too…
Peter, I plan to go through your research, thank you for sharing. I am concerned about the amount of testing through digital curriculum that occurs in schools and feel it must have an impact on children as well. They are constantly being evaluated in the name of progress monitoring and are often able to see their "scores", even with homework. I know that students I work with are negatively impacted by it, I can't imagine it sparks a love of learning! Kids are evaluated at least 3 times a year through NWEA testing along with their own state testing which seems like way too much. I would love to get your thoughts on that as well! Thank you!
Thank you for the excellent analogy!
I used this same approach to stop saying “be careful!” and “You’re ok!” to my kids. If I fell down the stairs or someone bullied me and my spouse said that is such a patronizing way, I would be furious.
It seems this is the analogy that keeps on giving!
For those of us in the UK, where school uniform is still widely used, we can add that this 'friend' also tells you what to wear every single day—down to your hairstyle and the colour of your socks—and punishes you for any deviation.
Uniform policy here in the UK is always defended as being beneficial for children. Apparently it completely masks wealth and class differences, prevents bullying, and shields teens from feelings of jealousy and the pressure to have the "right" clothes. In reality, it does none of those things. In my experience, it just condensed all that pressure into the few items we could choose for ourselves.
Uniforms are so interesting! My kids get a great deal of personal satisfaction from choosing what they wear. However it always provokes a conversation about what would be appropriate clothing for the kids of activities they undertake. I know some people that have a self designed uniform of sorts so they aren't burdened with the choice they care little about, they just wear a variation of the same thing every day. It's a nice allegory for the mechanism of choice-making in greater life. We choose what's important to us, but what's interesting to me is all the factors that go into that choice making process.
I disagree about uniform policies choking the spirit. Per my own & my kids’ experiences, uniforms can bring simplicity & some peace to daily routine. Don’t have to make a decision early in the morning - just throw it on & go.
It’s similar to any work uniform. You wear the outfit suited to your job. A school uniform is suited to the job of learning. Ideally it keeps kids from getting too distracted by too little clothing or inflammatory statements, etc.
Obviously the kids can tell status based on shoes, jewelry, etc. But it tends to be less distracting overall.
-Ryan’s Wife (posting as not-a-dude)
I agree that a uniform can bring simplicity to a morning routine, but in my experience the downsides outweighed that single positive. By the age 14-16, almost all of my lessons at school lost ten minutes of teaching time to uniform policing.
I think children and teenagers are capable of choosing an outfit for school without being micromanaged. They will certainly make bad choices at times, like baggy jeans on a rainy day, but that it part of learning.
I'd also question whether school uniforms really are that practical. A recently published study by the University of Cambridge showed that in schools with the strictest uniform policies, children were the least physically active.
I agree! So at what age? My three-year-old wants to trek out on her own. I want to trust her, and she is three. At what age is the brain ready to handle some of the tasks it is wanting to do?
Is it possible to have a wider constraint I wonder? For example: When mine were that age we would be in the park, where I could see and be seen while they could explore within that area.
my mentor Daisaku Ikeda, who has also established the Soka Schooling System, once said that school must teach self-restraint. And that, i believe, is diametrically opposed to imposing restraints on children.
Its really hard, I got four children, I know, and it requires the parent to also practice self-restraint.
That's a really insightful way to think about our current schooling models...
Thanks for this excellent exercise for our minds. I fully agree with your arguments about the need to let our kids have more autonomy and this was a great way to frame it.
When it comes to the claim that researchers in general don't think social media is a problem, I'm afraid the previous references (in the D-letters) now seem like a bit of cherry picking. It's quite easy to find meta studies and that reach the opposite conclusion. Like this one: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(18)30060-9/fulltext
I, however, agree with a conclusion regarding digital media that I've heard Peter draw in an interview somewhere. The message was sort of "if parents can help keeping it to reasonable volumes so that it doesn't crowd out everything else we're probably fine". That is probably a very good starting point!
Excellent article, thank you.
I’m of the opinion that phones and social media are two very separate things. My husband often remarks that I spend too long on my phone. Maybe I do. I enjoy using this mini computer for a multitude of reasons. While I can understand the difficulty of exercising self control for some activities, how are we to expect anyone to learn that self control by removing the opportunity?