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Friends, this post is what Substack calls a “thread” rather than a regular letter. Threads are generally meant to invite discussion relevant to a previous letter.
My most recent letter—Letter #36—was about the self-domestication theory of human evolution, the crux of which is that modern Homo sapiens evolved from ancient Homo sapiens, roughly 80,000 to 50,000 years ago, at least in part through social changes that led to a selective mating preference for individuals who were less aggressive, more cooperative, and more playful. I suggested that part of the mechanism might have been a shift in women’s preferences away from attraction to dominant, aggressive men and toward men whose playfulness signaled humility, vulnerability, and non-aggression. In an earlier post (Letter #21) I noted that women (and everyone) in band hunter-gatherer societies preferred men who were good hunters but were humble about their hunting and had a good sense of humor. The ability to laugh at oneself and in that way recognize one’s own flaws seemed to be especially valued.
In the last section of Letter #36, which I titled Playfulness as Sexual Adornment, I mentioned a relatively recent survey in which young adults of both sexes rated playful and sense of humor at or very close to the top of the list of characteristics that they found most attractive in a potential romantic partner. These characteristics ranked even higher than such valued characteristics as intelligence,physical attractiveness, and exciting personality. I suggested that sexual selection for playfulness may still be occurring today.
Other studies, too, have revealed that playfulness and sense of humor are highly valued today in romantic partners, and some studies indicate they are especially valued by women. A stereotyped view is that women like men who have a sense of humor and men like women who appreciate their sense of humor. This does seem to have some research support. To the degree that playfulness and humor signal a nonviolent personality, it makes sense that women would especially value it in a potential mate, because throughout the world domestic violence by men is a leading cause of death of women and children.
So, my question for this thread is: What are your experiences with this? What are your observations about the role of play and humor in romantic relationships? In your experience are these good predictors or poor predictors of long-term cooperation and nonviolence? My guess is that the answer is yes for certain kinds of playfulness and humor, but not for all. I’m wondering if we can collectively flesh this out a bit.
Play and humor got our marriage through some hard times. Although I have to admit, when my husband is constantly making puns and jokes in the grocery store I do get a little aggravated 😂 you can only hear so many vegetable puns before you snap 🤣
From my own experience, playfulness in romantic relationships translates to flirtatiousness and a sense of ease when with a romantic partner and building a relationship. Playfulness and humor could to be the construct in which those with these qualities/personalities value at the highest level, therefore actions and responses tend to promotes cooperation in order to retain the construct. This is all my own observations and experience having a spouse that has these qualities and my children, which naturally are playful (and amazing to observe!)
I'm still working on letter #36 which folds into recent articles on the evolution of menopause & the "grandmother thesis."
.—Humans are characterized by metabolic, somatic and cultural flexibility. The human "mating game" (♡) also has wide variability and diversity. However, in crude terms:
♤ Men look for youthful faces, childbearing hips, and wit.
♧ Women look for stature (physical and hierarchical), pe$$onality, and wit.
◇ The shared feature is wit! And thus, paleolithic parietal art, dance, song, flutes and drums, poetry, ... ad nauseum ornamentation and elaboration.
.—IMHO humans fall somewhere in between bonobos and chimpanzees; and their social organization exhibits an incredible variability, —from matriarchy to patriarchy, male or female philopatry, gender ratios which can lead to polygamy or polyandry, etc..
.—Then there's violence, from interpersonal to war ...
.—Incredible hodge-podge of sociobiology not easily untangled, but in any case, my personal experience leads me to conclude that some women prefer gentle men, but some women settle for otherwise. There is no general thumbrule, although almost everyone enjoys a good laugh, but what's being laughed at?
The theme of our wedding was "Love is Fun" -- we had custom dice made with "Amy & Brian" inscribed on one side and "Love is Fun" on the other, and gave them out in pairs in the party-favor satchels. We also made the wedding fun by playing up that whole "if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married..." thing: the best man and my sister both raised objections and demanded that each of us pass love-tests -- we knew it was coming, but we didn't know what the challenges would be -- it was hilarious and just a blast.
It's fair to say our relationship is built on play, humor, fun, and repartee -- my husband loves that I'm funny, and he loves that I make him laugh, and it's also vice-versa and very much feeling-is-mutual. Life is hard, and so you gotta laugh, that's our attitude. And our kids seem to be picking it up -- one of my daughters has been using the phrase "Prince Funny" as a replacement for "Prince Charming" since she was 6 years old. And the highest compliment you can pay her is that she's funny. She does a killer John Oliver impression. You haven't lived 'til you've seen 10-year-old-girl John Oliver rockin his accent and calling you a "baby bitch lawn dart" -- god I love my kids.
I find playfulness and humor work best in our marriage when well timed, otherwise for the moment, they seem to back fire. This feels specific to our relationship and how it flows with the ups and downs of our lives.
The thing with abusive and violent men is that they are often very charming, playful and funny in the beginning, which is how they hook you into the cycle. So those attributes on their own definitely don’t reflect a non-violent personality, it just may take some time for the violence to be shown. Nobody goes on a first date with an outwardly abusive man and decides to stay.
Play and humor got our marriage through some hard times. Although I have to admit, when my husband is constantly making puns and jokes in the grocery store I do get a little aggravated 😂 you can only hear so many vegetable puns before you snap 🤣
From my own experience, playfulness in romantic relationships translates to flirtatiousness and a sense of ease when with a romantic partner and building a relationship. Playfulness and humor could to be the construct in which those with these qualities/personalities value at the highest level, therefore actions and responses tend to promotes cooperation in order to retain the construct. This is all my own observations and experience having a spouse that has these qualities and my children, which naturally are playful (and amazing to observe!)
I'm still working on letter #36 which folds into recent articles on the evolution of menopause & the "grandmother thesis."
.—Humans are characterized by metabolic, somatic and cultural flexibility. The human "mating game" (♡) also has wide variability and diversity. However, in crude terms:
♤ Men look for youthful faces, childbearing hips, and wit.
♧ Women look for stature (physical and hierarchical), pe$$onality, and wit.
◇ The shared feature is wit! And thus, paleolithic parietal art, dance, song, flutes and drums, poetry, ... ad nauseum ornamentation and elaboration.
.—IMHO humans fall somewhere in between bonobos and chimpanzees; and their social organization exhibits an incredible variability, —from matriarchy to patriarchy, male or female philopatry, gender ratios which can lead to polygamy or polyandry, etc..
.—Then there's violence, from interpersonal to war ...
.—Incredible hodge-podge of sociobiology not easily untangled, but in any case, my personal experience leads me to conclude that some women prefer gentle men, but some women settle for otherwise. There is no general thumbrule, although almost everyone enjoys a good laugh, but what's being laughed at?
The theme of our wedding was "Love is Fun" -- we had custom dice made with "Amy & Brian" inscribed on one side and "Love is Fun" on the other, and gave them out in pairs in the party-favor satchels. We also made the wedding fun by playing up that whole "if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married..." thing: the best man and my sister both raised objections and demanded that each of us pass love-tests -- we knew it was coming, but we didn't know what the challenges would be -- it was hilarious and just a blast.
It's fair to say our relationship is built on play, humor, fun, and repartee -- my husband loves that I'm funny, and he loves that I make him laugh, and it's also vice-versa and very much feeling-is-mutual. Life is hard, and so you gotta laugh, that's our attitude. And our kids seem to be picking it up -- one of my daughters has been using the phrase "Prince Funny" as a replacement for "Prince Charming" since she was 6 years old. And the highest compliment you can pay her is that she's funny. She does a killer John Oliver impression. You haven't lived 'til you've seen 10-year-old-girl John Oliver rockin his accent and calling you a "baby bitch lawn dart" -- god I love my kids.
I find playfulness and humor work best in our marriage when well timed, otherwise for the moment, they seem to back fire. This feels specific to our relationship and how it flows with the ups and downs of our lives.
Closely related, the late, great, Hitch https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2007/01/hitchens200701
The thing with abusive and violent men is that they are often very charming, playful and funny in the beginning, which is how they hook you into the cycle. So those attributes on their own definitely don’t reflect a non-violent personality, it just may take some time for the violence to be shown. Nobody goes on a first date with an outwardly abusive man and decides to stay.