#46 Thirteen Ways to Enable Free Play and Other Independent Activities for Your Kids

In today’s world it’s not easy to give your child a normal childhood, but here are some ways to do it.

Dear friends,

We live in a child-unfriendly world (or at least a child-unfriendly nation), where children are more or less continuously imprisoned. We have increased the pressures and decreased the pleasures of schooling. We have developed largely irrational fears of letting our kids run free outdoors. Neighbors, police, and child protective services often regard what was once normal parenting as “negligence.”

This child unfriendliness did not suddenly arise along with smartphones, beginning 15 or so years ago. In fact, by the mid to late 1980s, children were already largely prevented from playing and exploring freely away from adults. A result of such constraints on children’s independent activities has been a huge increase, over decades, in anxiety, depression, and suicide among children and teens. If you doubt the cause-effect connection between our depriving kids of independent activities and the rise of their unhappiness, please examine the evidence in my recent article (with co-authors David Lancy and David Bjorklund) in the Journal of Pediatrics.

As I explained in a previous letter, teen suffering reached a peak around 1990 and then declined somewhat over the next 20 years (for reasons I suggest here) but began rising again around 2010 (for reasons I suggest here and here) and is now up to a level comparable to what it was in 1990.

When I give talks to parents about children’s need for independent activity—and I really mean need, this is like food and water, not a luxury—the first question I am often asked is something like: “I get it, but what can I do? With all the forces operating against kids’ independence, what can I do to enable it for my kids?”

Here are 13 possibilities to consider.

• Collaborate with neighbors to create “kick the kids outdoors” hours.

Decades ago, a common refrain of parents to kids was, “Get out of the house.”  Kids were shoed out partly because parents recognized it was good for the kids but mostly because they recognized it was good for them (the parents), usually especially the moms. It worked then, because there were lots of other kids out with whom to play and neighbors expected kids to be out and weren’t distraught by it.

But now there are two problems with that strategy. The first is if your kid is outdoors and no other kids are out, yours will likely get bored and complain. We might wish that kids had an innate love of the outdoors, but most don’t. The outdoors is an acquired taste. What they are innately drawn to is other kids to play with, and if there are none yours might just sulk and want to go back inside or, if it’s available, get on their smartphone and communicate with friends in the only way they can.

The second problem is that some neighbor or passing well-intended busybody, seeing your kid out there with no adult guard, may call the police to report a loose child. I’ve heard of cases where this happened even when the child was playing in their own front yard! In some cases, this might be followed by a visit from Child Protective Services. This is a big deterrent against allowing your kid some outdoor freedom!

So, what can you do? Here’s an idea that has been tested successfully in a few neighborhoods. It takes some initiative, but it just might greatly improve your kid’s life and yours.

Get together with your neighbors who have kids. Maybe have an informal neighborhood party for parents and their kids. Let the kids play while you talk with the parents about the value of kids’ social free play. Then say something like this: “What if we all, for certain hours every week—maybe every Saturday afternoon or one day a week after school—act like old-fashioned parents and shoe our kids out of the house. And keep the cell phones inside! If enough of us do that, they will find one another and find ways of playing. I bet they’ll thank us for it after a few such experiences and beg for more.” If there is concern about safety, your group can have an adult out there, just to watch for emergencies, not to intervene in the play. I sometimes recommend that the adult be a grandparent, as grandparents are usually not as nervous as parents.

 I’ve heard of a few neighborhoods that have done this, with great success. Some have even gotten the city to close off the street during play periods, so the kids can play in the street. For a book about neighborhoods that have done this sort of thing, see here.

• Take family vacations with other families with kids.

Next time you plan a family vacation, check with other families with kids to see if they would like to join you. The other families might be relatives or friends, or even just acquaintances who soon will become friends. Take the vacation to some place where kids can safely run free. Now, your kids will have playmates and so will you—the other parents. You just might find that such a vacation is more fun than the typical vacation for you and your kids. You don’t have to worry about amusing your kids; they amuse one another. And you and your partner may make some new close adult friends or tighten the bonds with old ones.

Some of the best vacations my wife and I had with our kids were at a church-run family camp. We hardly saw the kids at all; they were having too much fun with one another. And the fact that there were kids of all ages made it all the more fun. Teenagers love little kids, and vice versa.

• Ask your kids about adventures they would like to undertake.

One of the best things you can do with your kids is to ask them what they would really like to do, maybe something a little scary, but for one reason or another haven’t done. It could be something as simple as taking the bus themselves to visit a friend. Then give them permission to do it, or something as close to it as you can tolerate. I’ll elaborate on this more in a future letter, as it is a technique some schools are using to encourage independent out-of-school activity (here) and that has proven remarkably successful, in a recent clinical study, in reducing anxiety in highly anxious kids (here). It is a way of enabling kids to develop courage.

• If you send your kids to summer camp, choose one that emphasizes choice and free play.

Summer should not be a time for more school-like activities. Avoid camps that have an educational agenda and seek one that enables free play. One great example I know of is Camp Stomping Ground, in upstate New York, which does aim to impart lessons—lessons of independence, self-determination, empathy, and group decision-making in a mixed-age environment. (Full disclosure—I know and love the founders.)

• Refrain from encouraging lots of adult-directed out of school activities.

Kids often feel pressured to join adult-directed sports teams or other adult-led activities. Avoid adding to that pressure, and, depending on your kid, you might even encourage them to drop some of those they have, so they have more time for their own self-directed activities. Even time for daydreaming is precious.

• Ease up on the school pressure.

Research (which I described here) shows that the highest rates of teenage anxiety, depression, suicide, and binge drinking are among kids attending high-achievement schools—schools that gloat about high test scores and the number of graduates that go on to elite colleges. Research has also shown that the kids at such schools who suffer least are those whose parents decrease that pressure, by showing in action, not just words, that they value their kids for who they are, not for their grades or other such superficial achievements. Avoid bragging about your kid’s school or athletic performance. That only adds to the pressure. If you must brag, brag instead about what a kind and generous person they are and maybe about the interesting hobbies they themselves have found and are pursuing. Emphasize intrinsic values, not extrinsic ones.

• Don’t be afraid to insist that your kids do their share of household chores; they’ll feel better for it.

Kids like to feel that they are givers, not just takers, and one way to give at home is to share in the domestic chores. Research (described here) has shown that very young children want to help, and if they are allowed to help—even though the “help” then may not be truly helpful—they continue to take pride in contributing to the family welfare and become truly helpful as they grow older. Contributing to the family can itself be an adventure, especially if some of it is challenging.

If your child is older and hasn’t been doing chores from a young age, it may be a bit more difficult to draw them into chores, but a discussion with them about ways they might enjoy helping at home could be revealing. Some parents, for example, have been surprised and delighted to learn that their kid would really like to learn how to cook dinners and then do it independently one or two days each week. One of the thrills in my childhood occurred when I was 11 or 12 years old and my parents let me paint my own room and then, because I did it well, invited me to help paint the rest of the rooms in the house.

• Don’t drive your kids everywhere. 

Decades ago, it was common for 5-year-olds to walk to school by themselves or with friends and for 8-year-olds to take public transportation by themselves to other parts of the city. Independent mobility is a great confidence builder. You are probably not going to grant the same mobility licenses that parents regularly did decades ago but think about what you might grant. Some parents who allow their child mobility give the child a note, signed by the parent, saying that the child has permission for this trip and including the parent’s phone number if a concerned person wants to call.

Along the same line, and tied to the recommendation that kids have chores, think about errands your child might do for you. Have you seen the Japanese reality film series Old Enough, where 3- and 4-year-olds are sent out by parents to purchase items at markets blocks away? If not, watch an episode or two to see how competent such tots can be. You won’t send out your 3- or 4-year-old (partly because you have no film crew to secretly follow them), but maybe you’ll send out your 8- or 10-year-old.

• Talk with your teen about the possibility of a part-time job.

Beyond chores at home, having a paying out-of-home job can be a powerful confidence-builder. It helps teens feel more grown up, more confident about the future. They learn that they can be responsible and hold a job and earn their own money, so adulthood seems less scary. Their own money is itself a further ticket to independence.

• Be a little more playful yourself.

A great way to reduce pressure and encourage playfulness in your kids is to lighten up and release your own innate playfulness. It’s in there, you just have to let it out. Your stress and anxiety infect your kids with the same. The best antidote is a playful attitude. Things are not as serious as they seem. Life is to be enjoyed. The best way to convey that to your kids is to enjoy life yourself.

• Lobby with your kids’ school to get them to adopt “Let Grow Play Club”

Let Grow Play Club is a school-centered program developed by yours truly in collaboration with Lenore Skenazy through the Let Grow nonprofit. It’s typically an hour of free play before or after school, most often in elementary schools, involving kids of all grades together. The only rule is don’t hurt anyone, and there are lots of things and people to play with. Read about it here and talk with personnel at your kid’s school about the possibility of adopting the program there. It’s a whole lot cheaper than a course in social-emotional learning and way more effective.

• See if your local library offers play opportunities, and lobby for such opportunities if they don’t.

A few years ago, in collaboration with two library directors, I conducted a survey of US public libraries to learn about play opportunities at libraries. Many libraries have maker spaces, where kids over a broad range of ages as well as adults can engage in constructive play with such devices as 3-D printers and laser cutters. Many also have teen hangout rooms, where teens can socialize and play games after school without disturbing other library patrons. And a few have scheduled opportunities for age-mixed free play at the library structured in a way comparable to Let Grow Play Club. Here’s the article we published about the survey findings.

• Lobby with town youth sports organizations to offer a free play option.

Some years ago, I got a call from a youth sports director who was fed up with the over-involvement of parents and overemphasis on competition in the youth sports leagues he directed. He told me he had started a new offering, which he called “the sandlot experience.” Kids signed up for that might be dropped off by their parents if they couldn’t get there on their own, but parents weren’t allowed to stay. There was equipment for a wide variety of sports and games, but no adult told anyone what to do with it. The kids had to create their own games. It seems like a wonderful idea, but I don’t remember who called and have no idea if the program still exists. Maybe you can get something like that going in your city or town. If you do, you might create a revolution. I predict kids would glom onto it like flies to honey. (For a somewhat similar program, which doesn’t go so far but has been remarkably successful, see here.)

Final Thoughts

This Substack is, in part, a forum for thoughtful discussion. I greatly value readers’ contributions, even when they disagree with me, sometimes especially when they do. How have you or others you know encouraged independent activity for kids? What have been the results? Do you have ideas to add to the list I created here? If you read the comments in my previous letters you will find that readers often disagree with one another, or with me, but always politely.  So far, after many hundreds of comments, I have never had to remove one because of rudeness.

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With respect and best wishes,

Peter